Final Year Fireworks
by Yimon The Catman
Summary: So, it's the last year of Bayside, and the gang are growing up and gettin' all mature. HAH! Zak discovers an interesting fact about Slater that's going to change everything...
1. Chapter 1

Title: Final Year Fireworks

Rating: Probably R

Author: Yannick

Disclaimer: Ha! You will take nothing from me, for this, tis a disclaimer! I do not own these characters/these settings/the chair I'm sitting on/a pizza…oh.

Zack skidded down the corridors of Bayside. First week of term, and he was already late! Praying he wouldn't run into any teachers who would, undoubtedly, be patrolling for him, he turned the corner and stopped in front of his locker. Panting, he threw his bag into it and grabbed what he needed for English class. Then, looking at his watch, he sighed and threw the books back in. No chance he could pretend the traffic was too bad by now. Instead, he closed the locker door, and slid to the floor.

"Shit. Shit. Shit. Why now?" Zack asked to the ventilator above his head. "First day? I'd have appreciated the alarm going off. And there still being some hot water. And my car starting, perhaps? If that's not too much to ask..."

He went back to resting his head on his folded arms, waiting for the next period to start. After he'd spent the whole summer vacation stuck in a cabin with the rest of his family, he was looking forward to seeing the gang again, reminding everyone of his position as King of the Halls of Bayside (as he had crowned himself), and generally getting back into the swing of things. Final year, and he wanted to make it a good one.

Suddenly, footsteps echoed down the hall. Zack jumped up, then, recognising the sound, smiled and leaned back against the locker. 3 inch stilettos on the first day? Only one girl would try that...

Just as Zack had expected, Lisa rounded the corner in a typically fantastic outfit. Unfortunately, this often meant it didn't allow for running too easily, and Lisa was clearly exhausted. Going as fast as her shoes allowed her to, she ran over to her locker and opened it. Producing a make up bag from her cleavage, she proceeded to touch up her face that had got smudged in the exertion, then sighed, looked at her diamond encrusted watch, shook her hundred dollar hairstyle out of her eyes, and turned to face Zack.

"Well, at least I wasn't the only one late. Although I don't think that your reason was the inability to choose the right outfit to go with your highlights, right?" Lisa clearly hadn't changed a bit, thought Zack, smiling to himself.

"It's nice to see you too, Lisa. How's vacation been for you?"

She rolled her eyes at him, and whipped the make up out again. "Screech spent most evenings singing outside my room. I swear, since puberty hit that boy it's been like he doesn't need to sleep! Every night the walking erection stands in the yard under my window and shrieks out little love songs. At least now he's started doing ones that he didn't make up himself. You know, when I was twelve, I was actually going to kill myself if I heard 'Lisa' rhymed with 'pizza' again."

Zack laughed. "So I guess you and Screech still ain't happening. What about when he started liking that other girl, and you got all jealous?"

She gently slapped his shoulder. "I never said I didn't WANT him to pay that much attention to me..."

Before she could say anything else, the bell rang, and Zack heard doors opening all the way up and down school. In seconds the hall was swamped with other students. Zack waved goodbye to Lisa, and went off to the next class. Maybe here he would be able to see the rest of the gang.

Wandering into the room, he cast his eye about with the experience of one used to getting the best seats. He immediately spotted that Slater and Kelly had bagged him a seat just behind her and next to him. He grinned. He'd told them last year the best seats in this class, and they'd clearly remembered. He sauntered up to them.

"Hey guys! How's it going?" He wrapped an arm round Kelly, giving her a squeeze, and patted Slater on the back. Slater smiled back at him, and Kelly hugged him back.

"Oh, I've missed you all vacation, Zack! What have you been doing? I've been helping to free some endangered dolphins from fishing nets, I've been handing out soup in the ghettos" Kelly started counting on her fingers, "I ran a rally for donating to African orphans with mental disabilities..."

Zack sighed, and turned to Slater as Kelly continued naming all the charities she'd helped with, her nosed scrunched up in concentration so she looked like a rabbit. "Has she been like this all morning?"

Slater laughed. "Yep. Kelly's done more for the world over the holidays than Mother Teresa in her entire life. And it's really starting to annoy me. Didn't she ever do anything for herself, rather than the crippled Buddhist monks of China, or whoever her new pet charity at the moment..."

"Yeah. Hey, you weren't here for her fundraiser for the entire nation of Niger when she was eight. Now THAT was creepy."

They grinned at each other. Kelly was a nice girl, and no-one would ever say a bad word about her, but she was a little too saintly for anyone's comfort. You were always expecting her to pull out a donation box from somewhere.

Zack looked around, realising that there was someone missing. "Hey, dude, where's Jessie? Didn't you two spend the vacation together?"

Slater shifted, uncomfortably. "Yeeeeah...well, we did spend the summer together. It didn't go so well. There was a bit of shouting, and some swearing, and quite a lot of hitting. All of it directed at me. I don't think she'll be in school today."

"What? What happened, man? You two were not arguing the last time I heard. For once."

"No, it was just Jessie being hormonal or something. It's nothing."

Zack frowned. Unlike Lisa and him, who could tell lies at the drop of a hat with no one the wiser, Slater shared the same honest flaw as Kelly, and it was written all over his face that there was more to this story than Slater was letting on. However, he'd known Slater for years now, and if he didn't want to tell him, Zack wasn't gonna push him into it. Anyway, it could always be that Jessie WAS just being hormonal, and Slater didn't want her to hear that he'd been a 'chauvinist pig', as such.

Whatever. He sat down, just as the professor entered, closely followed by fifth of Zack's friends. Screech glanced about, eyes bugging out of his head under the unruly mop of hair that was only footsteps away from being an Afro. Spotting Zack and the others over in the corner, he waved, and searched for an easy route across the crowded class to them. Spotting none, he thought for a moment, before dropping to the floor, and crawling snakelike to the empty desk next to Kelly. Bursting up from the floor, he hissed at the professor, who ignored him, brushed himself down, and fell into his seat. Turning around, he waved at Zack and Slater, then leant across to whisper something to Kelly. Zack smiled to himself. Only seconds from when Screech had entered, and already he was being his usual self. Zack could already see this was going to be an entertaining year.

That evening, Zack and the gang were chilling out at the Max. First day had been a bit of a shock to the system. The endless hours of just chilling of the summer had been replaced by the sudden workload. Of course, Zack hadn't been doing much of that, instead checking out the fresh meat. After his time at Bayside, he was now able to pick out exactly what each freshman would be in the social standing. It was a special talent of his, and as usual he could see the usual groups of cheerleaders, geeks, and jocks. There were a couple who he could see a little of himself in, too. Zack grinned to himself. He wanted to leave something at this school, apart from some broken hearts. What better than another Zack, Mark 2? It would certainly keep Belding on his toes.

Anyway, it wasn't time to be thinking about the fact that this was the last year. He looked about, glancing at his friends. Kelly had cornered a freshman, and was speaking at her in a loud urgent voice. She was only steps away from rattling the collecting tin at her. Lisa was reapplying her make up for the third time since they had got there, and Screech was blowing bubbles into his drink, with an expression of deep concentration. Slater was staring into the distance, looking very pensive. Zack frowned to himself. Jessie hadn't even turned up here to say hello, or anything all day. Unless the fight with Slater had been bad enough to scare her away for ever, she should have at least tried to see them today. He leant forward.

"Slater."

Slater sat there, staring into space. Zack sighed, and waved a hand in front of his eyes. He jumped, and looked at the blonde with surprise. "What's your problem, preppy?"

Zack shrugged. "Just wanted to be introduced to whatever's so interesting on the ceiling. What's up? You don't seem yourself."

Slater put his face in his hands, and rubbed his eyes with his fingertips. "Oh, I dunno. It's just all so difficult right now." Then he stood up, and grabbed his coat from the back of the chair. "I'm going. I got things to do. Homework."

He strode towards the door, pushing another boy out of the way with a determination Zack saw him use only in wrestling matches, usually. He stood up, and yelled after Slater's retreating back "On the first day?" But the other boy didn't turn around, just walked out of the door and down the street.

Zack looked around at his friends, who were shrugging, and going back to what they had been doing. He sighed. Although he didn't want to be the one who went after Slater, due to this goddam laziness, he knew if he didn't, they'd never know where he was going. Of course, if he WAS going home to do homework, then Zack would be kicking himself all the way back to the Max. He considered for a moment, then picked up his coat, and ran out of the door to follow Slater.

He looked about, and saw Slater turn a corner down the road. He walked after him, trying to stay as quiet as possible. Slater walked quickly, head down. Zack suspected that, even if he'd yelled, nothing was going to wake Slater up. Still, he didn't want to take any chances.

They walked for a while, heading away from the centre of town, towards where Zack had a vague idea Slater lived. It was looking as though he had been telling the truth. Then , Slater turned down a road, and Zack realised that this was Jessie's street. They'd got there in a roundabout way, but this sure was Jessie's house on the right. Slater marched determinedly up to the door, knocked, and then opened the door and walked in.

Zack scuffed a foot. This wasn't making any sense. Why would Slater not have told them he was going to see his girlfriend? How come he had to make up excuses to get away from them. Zack knew that, had Slater said he was going to see Jessie, Zack for one would have wanted to go with him. Maybe that was why Slater had done it, because he had something to say to her alone.

Suddenly, there was a shriek from one of the upstairs windows, and Zack heard the shatter of glass. Slater's voice could be heard yelling apologies, and the thump of things being thrown, along with shouted threats that all faded away into sobs. He stared at the window.

Then, something flew out, clearly a misdirected shot. Without thinking, Zack walked out onto the lawn, and picked it up. It was a photo frame of the gang, but Jessie had torn off the half with her and Slater in it. Zack touched the glass, and sighed. Suddenly he became aware that the shouting had stopped. He looked up, and saw Slater's face staring at him in horror from the upper window. Zack dropped the picture, and turned tail. Not sure why, he had as good a reason as anyone for being there, but it was something about the circumstances that suggested Slater wouldn't have let him just walk away from there. Distracted, his foot caught the side of the pavement, and he went flying across the concrete. Landing, the breath was pushed out of him, and he lay gasping for a minute. A man came up, and offered him a hand. Zack took it, with a sigh. Slater pulled him to his feet, and for a moment just looked at him. The horror that had been there before was gone, and his eyes showed pity. For a moment Zack thought he saw something else, in the way Slater had reached out, but it was gone, if it had ever been there before.

They stayed silent for a minute, Zack suddenly finding his feet very interesting. Then Slater said quietly "Why did you follow me?" It wasn't an accusation, as Zack had expected, and there wasn't even any anger in it. It was as if Slater was making a statement, like "The sky is blue", or "The grass is green".

Momentarily, Zack thought about spouting some bullshit about getting lost or that he just ran up to see Jessie. But after looking at Slater's face, he just decided to give him the truth. "I wanted to follow you. I wanted to find out what was wrong."

Slater nodded, as though that was what he'd been expecting. "There's nothing wrong that you need to worry about."

Zack was shocked. "Man, only minutes ago you were throwing things at each other! I could hear from across the road. Hell, they could probably hear you in China! Now you tell me I don't need to worry? That really sucks, man!"

Slater looked at him again, still without any anger in his eyes. "It's between me and Jessie. It's none of your business."

Zack grabbed him by the shoulder. "Jessie's my friend, dude. Anything that's going to affect her is going to affect me too. I make it my business." When Slater refused to say anything, Zack sighed. "You're my friend, too, you know."

Suddenly, Slater turned to him, and the emotion hit Zack like Slater's fist, which unfortunately followed it closely. For a moment Slater stood over him, rubbing his hand, face hidden in shadow. Zack propped himself up on his elbows, and glared accusingly at the boy, rubbing one side of his jaw. They both stayed there, each challenging the other to go first.

Then Slater sighed, and his shoulders drooped. He started to walk away. "Go home, Zack. Just, don't try to get involved."

"You just hit me Slater! Even if I didn't want to be involved, I am now. You took care of that quite well yourself!" Zack snarled at his back, wiping a trickle of blood that had just started from his lip.

Slater stopped. "I'm sorry about hitting you. I didn't want to. But don't…try. Just leave." And with that, Slater took off at the same pace he'd arrived at, head down, as fast as he could.

Zack stayed on the floor for a couple more moments, then slowly got up, more determined than ever to find out what was going on. Just before Slater had socked him one, Zack had spotted so many conflicting emotions in his face. He'd thought it wasn't possible for the wrestler to have more than one at a time, let alone that many…He checked himself. He was falling back into the old trap. When they'd first met, he and Slater had been rivals in most things, and it was only over the years as they went through more and more, that they'd actually managed to form a friendship. It was moments like this, when Slater had hurt him in some way, or done something stupid, that Zack went back into the old mind frame that Slater was just a big stupid wrestler. He knew enough to know that wasn't true. There must be something wrong.

Pulling a tissue from his pocket, he held it to his split lip. It was bleeding badly now. Even if he didn't want to go to Jessie's, he had to unless he wanted to turn up at home looking like an extra from 'Night of the Living Dead'. He walked up to Jessie's door, and pushed it open. It was still unlocked. For a girl who was so intelligent in class, it never failed to amuse Zack that she was forever forgetting to shut the door when her parents were out. He looked in, and heard music from upstairs.

He walked up, and poked his head round Jessie's door. For a moment, he couldn't see her, then he heard a sob from the corner of the room. She was sitting on the floor, eyes red from crying, staring into nowhere. He walked over, and sat down next to her. She looked over and smiled gently, before it dropped off the side of her face and her eyes began to fill with tears again.

He put an arm around her, and she leant into him slightly. Zack grinned down at the top of her head. "Heh. You're really bad, aren't you?" She looked up quizzically. He shrugged. "If you were your usual self, I'd be getting whacked for condescension-towards-women."

She laughed through the sobs, and wrapped her arms round his waist. "Sometimes I can let it go. Today is one of those days. I don't think Slater will be coming back now."

He patted her back. "You did throw most of your room at him. You didn't happen to find that CD I lent you when you were chucking stuff, did you?"

She punched him lightly on the arm. "That's not what I meant. I meant about what happened over summer. What did you say when he told you?"

Zack looked down. "When he told me what?"

Jessie suddenly sat back up, shock on her face. "He hasn't told you yet? How about Kelly? Or Screech?" She covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh no…"

"Tell us what, Jessie?" Zack took her hands in his, and gently pulled them away. She shut her mouth tight, and shook her head.

"Even if I'm angry at him at the moment, I can't tell you why. It's his to tell."

Zack sighed, and let her hands go. "Fine, we'll wait for him to tell us." They sat back down, and Jessie leant onto his shoulder. Zack grinned as something came to mind. "Hell, you made me nervous for a minute. The way you were acting, I was worried it was gonna be something weird, like he's only got 24 hours to live, or he's gay or something."

Jessie stiffened.

Momentarily, Zack thought (or perhaps hoped) that she was going to laugh, and it would all pass. Then as they both just sat there, Jessie staring straight at the floor, Zack looked over.

"You've GOT to be kidding me."


	2. Chapter 2

Diclaimer: I own nothing. NOTHING! Not even a box set of Will and Grace Season 2! Which is a real pity, actually...

Dedication: I SO dedicate this to the first person who gave me a review (and it was a good one too!). I don't know who you are, or where you live, but...wait. I got nothing else. And Jessie moved, kay? 0

The next day, Zack arrived at school early. Very early. Too early, one might say. Unless one considers sitting on the steps outside waiting for the doors to be unlocked an integral part of the school day. He hadn't slept that night, because he and Jessie had sat in shocked silence, until she stood up. "I think we're gonna need a lot of liquor to get past this." Possibly on of the greatest sentences he'd ever heard.

So, they'd drunk into the night and past it, slowly getting more and more derogatory of Slater, and then just widening the scope of hate to everyone in the world. Once they'd got past the initial uncomfort, mostly through the alcohol, Zack had got the whole story from Jessie.

Jessie and Slater had gone away to her father's cabin on the beach for the last month of summer vacation, to just relax, free of all cares and worries and able to spend the entire day doing whatever they wanted. Then for the final two weeks, the cabin next door had been taken by a lifeguard named David, who was also taking some time off from life. They'd quickly become friends, and the two would often go over to his for the evenings, to drink and to talk on the porch until the sun rose again.

At this point in the tale, Jessie was swigging from a bottle every time she started to get angry...which was pretty much permanently. Instead, Zack had to pay close attention to her mimes, and although he had no practice decoding a drunken Jessie, it was PRETTY clear what she thought had happened. Zack suspected she knew less than she thought she did, but one thing was clear. She had caught at least one of them with their trousers around their ankles and the other...well, it had something to do with SOME orifice. Who knew?

Of course, opening up this story had made Jessie a little 'unstable', and coupled with the drink, made her, to put it lightly, a psycho. Jessie was always a bit of a man-hater, but as she became more and more smashed, she'd made Zack wear a dress and makeup, so that she wouldn't "rip his genitals off with my bare hands and stuff them into a blender." At least, that was Zack's excuse.

As he sat on the cold stone outside, in a miniskirt and badly applied lipstick, his drunkenness slowly turning into a hangover, Zack considered. He'd never have got any sleep anyway, but when he'd said he was going home, at about 5am, he'd actually expected his feet to take him home, rather than walk him to school. Of course, they'd done it in a weaving way, but still...how could he have been weaving so much that he turned in totally the opposite direction and just not managed to rectify the situation?

He knew why he couldn't concentrate on anything. This revelation about Slater was a shock. A major one. Admittedly, there had been signs. His liking for close bodily contact with other men while dressed in Lycra should have been a big giveaway, but wrestling was always seen as such a manly sport. Wait...he'd showered with Slater after gym. Had the boy been looking? Had he been secretly wanting?

He shook his head. Slater was his friend. Just because of his liking for big men with moustaches, was he going to start getting all paranoid whenever Slater high-fived him? No, he was going to promise to treat Slater exactly the same as always.

The only problem was...

...he knew that was a lie.

Owwww...he cradled his head. The moment between drunk and hungover had passed. He wasn't clever any more. He hurt. And the likekile...lilekiho...likeliliho...chance of a long word being used in the next week or so was pretty much nothing. Rather than deal with the philozopho...philansapho...philisuphi...thing, Zack lay down, his head soothed by the cold. Dimly he realised he'd probably catch hypatomi...hyportu...that thing, but he didn't care. Sleep was coming.

What seemed to be only seconds later he was woken by someone shaking his head inside fire. "Grrrrrrrruuughwassa?"

Kelly looked down, her face contorted with worry. "Zack, are you okay? Oh my god, do you need medical attention? I have some bandages...and a kidney dialysis machine. Do you need that? Stomach pump? Operation? I could perform open heart surgery if you want...I got a gold award in it over the holidays..."

Zack pulled himself up using only his mind. Then, when he realised he was still lying down, he waved an arm. "Pull. Gently. No surgery."

Kelly got him up into a sitting position. While he waited for his brain to follow him in a couple of minutes, Zack looked at Kelly. "Oh, Kelly...I really love you. You knew I was here and you came to get me. I loooooove you sooooooo muuuuuch..."

Kelly glanced about. "Well, actually I'm just coming back from the orphanage. I help them cook the orphans meals. Did you know, that before I started working there..."

"Kelly, let me feel important. Just once." Zack said, fixing Kelly with a glare so feeble they both felt it slide off her cheek and die in the cold.

"Wow...so you and Jessie were drinking, huh? Does it have something to do with her and Slater?"

Zack sat bolt upright, before hunching into a foetal position as his brain cracked. "Owowowowow. I mean, what do you know about their arguement? Anything? Anything at all?"

"...that they had one?" Kelly said cheerily. "Why? Should I know more? Ooh! Can we play a guessing game? I wanna guess!"

"Grrrrrrrrrugggggh..." Zack slowly keeled back to the floor, as Kelly started ticking guesses off on her fingers.

"Was he cheating on her? No, too likely. Was SHE cheating on HIM? No, she's the angry one. Maybe he was an asshole all vacation? Yeah, but that hadn't stopped them going out before, had it...maybe he forgot their anniversary...?

Leaning against the locker, Zack yawned enormously. He'd given up on trying to look good today. In fact, from the looks he was getting from passing students, he suspected he was still wearing lipstick. At least Kelly had found something else for him to wear other than the miniskirt. He glanced down. Oh, wait. No. She hadn't. His mistake.

"BEETLES!" Screechs head appeared upside down in front of his face. Zack yelled, and crashed backwards into the lockers, breaking his fragile pain barrier. Trying to sandwhich the two halves of his splitting skull together, he glared at Screech.

"What. The hell. Are you doing. On top of the lockers. You bastard." Screech backflipped off of them, landing on his feet and bowing.

"And the judges are giving that display from Screech Powers, Olympic Champion for the USA ten, ten aaaand..."

"Detention, Mr Powers. I think that cancels out your world bid?" Mr Belding walked up, dropping a slip into Screechs outstreched hand, who shrugged and cartwheeled. The principal stood over Zack with a look of confusion.

"Mr Morris, is it now 'cool', or 'rad', to be seen lying on corridor floors? And why are you wearing a dress?"

Zack smiled up at him sleepily. "Sir, no one uses the word 'rad' any more. It's not cool."

Belding looked worried for a second. "But I'm still cool, right? Wait. Quiet Mr Morris. Why ARE you lying on the floor...if you're hungover in my school, then there is going to be hell to pay..."

Suddenly Lisa skidded around the corner. "Zack! Mr Belding! Zack! Screech! Zack! Mr Belding! Scree-"

Belding held up a hand. "Thank you Lisa, I had just forgotten what name to write when I expel this boy and if you don't stop doing acrobatics Mr Powers YOU WILL BE JOINING HIM!"

Lisa smiled. Or maybe it was just the makeup. "No, sir, I apologise for Zack. He was up all night finishing a sociology project...on transvestites. I have it here." She waved a sheaf of paper above her head, before passing it to Mr Belding. "And he wasn't feeling well in the first place. We just need to get some caffiene down him and he'll be right as rain, Mr Belding sir."

Mr Belding glared at the paper, then at Lisa. "Transvestites?" he barked at Lisa, who gulped and nodded.

The principal looked down at Zack, and sighed. "Well saved, Lisa. But don't let me see you like this again, Zack. Get out of here. BY WALKING, MR POWERS!" he yelled after Screech, who was just preparing to go into a backroll.

Lisa stuck an arm around Zack's waist. "I was wondering when my shopping bag muscles would come in handy. Come on, boy."

Lisa took him around the corner, where the rest of the gang were waiting. Jessie was there too, also looking decidedly worse for wear. Slater was there too, and despite the glances he kept giving Jessie, she seemed too hungover to really notice, or care.

Kelly lifted a cup to his lips, and Zack drank. Sweet coffee. Up waking. Remembering stuff...

"I'm wearing. A dress. I'm still wearing a dress."

The others looked around. "At least he's forming complete sentences, right?" Kelly said, smiling like a Barbie doll.

Screech leant close to Zack's ear, and before anyone could stop him, yelled "HOW'RE YOU FEELING, ZACK?"

As Zack keeled away from him sobbing in pain, Slater clipped Screech around the head. "Idiot."

Zack pressed the two halves of his head together. "No, don't worry about it. I'll be fine. Just lets avoid loud noises, yes Screech?" He stood up, looking about. "How did you know to do this?"

"Kelly told us about finding you this morning. She texted us all, and so we knew where to go and what to do." Slater gestured to himself, then Lisa. "I dealt with coffee, and she got your 'project'. To be more precise, a list of everything Lisa has bought over the last two months."

Zack furrowed his brow. "But there musta been about fifty pages in there."

"Fifty-seven. Your point being?"

"Whatever. Look, I have to go. Got class." Zack said, carefully lifting himself up without rattling his head.

Slater grinned. "Doubt it, preppy. We got you and Jessie a pass from the nurse. No class for you."

"But won't we miss some stuff? It's the second day. We should really be in class...wait. I'm Zack. Where the hell did that come from? Let's go!" Zack bounced down the corridor, before suddenly coming to an abrupt halt.

"Oooooh, I shouldn'ta bounced. I think I'm going to die."

The others ran up after him, laughing, and pulled him along the corridor to the exit.

P.S. Sorry about the false alarm, if anyone put it on the alert thing. I put this up, then read it, then changed it a little (made it longer), then put it up again. Hope you don't mind!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimeriffic!-I own nothing. NOOOOOOOOTHING. Verstehe?

Little Note: I'm writing this while full of warm fuzzies, due to all the lovely people who've been so nice about my writing. Excuse it if the characters seem a little happier than they did for the last one. And I have a peppermint gum addiction. Healthier than smoking, I guess...

Zack lay back on the grass, shirt off, soaking up the sun while catching the melting ice cream droplets on his tongue. The entire gang was here, all of them getting out of school somehow through lies, convenience, or in Screechs case, because the chemistry teacher 'didn't want another lawsuit on her hands'. Zack hadn't asked. When people said that about Screech, it was better not to.

Kelly had got out by saying she had a charity thing to organise. Well, not quite. In actual fact, Kelly had taken one look at her teacher and gone bright red while mumbling something about having to go. Luckily, Jessie had saved the day by choosing that moment to groan loudly, and whisper something about throwing up. The professor couldn't have ushered them out of his classroom quicker if he'd had a gun. Jessie had a note from the nurse, so she'd got out too. And Slater had just implied something about a wrestling tournament and he'd been let out.

Lisa's story had been more entertaining. "I was shopping down at the mall one weekend, and I saw my psychology professor looking shifty. Now, you know me, and how I hate to pry, but I thought I should follow. You know, for the good of the school, right? Well, she went into the unimaginatively named 'Tie Me Down, Gimp!", and was in there for about ten minutes. She came out with two bags and almost ran out of there. I just mentioned it to her as a passing comment this morning when she wouldn't buy my story of needing new lip gloss urgently, and she almost pushed me out the door! She gave me fifty dollars, too! I don't know why she'd do that...anyone want ice cream?"

So, they'd bought ice cream, and were just relaxing in the sun. Lisa was throwing a stick for Screech...which was no wierder than usual, so that didn't confuse Zack. Kelly was, for once, relaxing, rather than canvassing, so Zack felt happy about that. And Jessie was...okaaaay, Jessie wasn't here. Slater...also wasn't here.

Zack sat up, ears stretching for the sounds of a man screaming in fear and pain. When he couldn't hear anything, it only made him more worried. Maybe she was drowning him? Or she'd gagged him? Or...oh god. Maybe he was too late to stop her...

Standing, he caught sight of the two sitting on the other side of the small hill on a low wall. Although Slater didn't appear to be in any pain, or gagged, Zack didn't want to take chances. He crept up behind, and listened carefully, ready to jump in and save the wrestler if he heard the words 'tear', 'rip', 'castrate', or 'I'm going to sell you to a German man with a latex fetish, and then post the subsequent pictures over the state'. He was listening for the last phrase in particular.

He couldn't hear anything, apart from vague whisperings, and so he moved closer, and closer, trying to hear. Suddenly Jessie straightened up, and said clearly and loudly '...I'll tear you a new one."

"RUN SLATER RUN! I'LL HOLD HER OFF!" Zack leapt like a blind seal, catching Jessie with both arms and knocking both her, and him, into a tangle of limbs on the other side of the wall. A strong hand grabbed him by the shoulder and hoisted him up. Slater stood there, fist ready to start tenderising his face at Jessie's order, as she picked herself off the ground and brushed herself off.

"You'd better have a good reason for attacking my...girlfriend, preppy. Or else I'm gonna make it so no girl can ever look at you again." Slater looked ready to explode, and Zack mentally told all of his vital organs to move to the parts of his body Slater might overlook when he turned him into boy-pulp.

"...I heard her say 'I'll tear you a new one', and I thought you were in danger...?" Slater hesitated, and then looked at Jessie confusedly.

She sighed. "Put him down, Slater. Much as I'd like him punished for eavesdropping," Zack smiled, guiltily, "he was just looking out for you. Zack, I wasn't threatening Slater. I was being a friend."

Zack looked incredlously at Jessie, and then Slater dropped him. Stepping up close to Jessie, he murmured "What are you doing?"

"Oh, he already knows." Then, as Slater looked stricken, she sighed. "He guessed. That luck of the devil he has. I didn't tell him."

Slater turned back to Zack who was getting up from the floor, and grabbed him by the shoulders again. "If you tell anyone about this, preppy, I swear I'm going to kill you, understand? That split lip I gave you will be a love tap compared to this..."

Zack looked imploringly at Jessie, who pulled on Slater's arm. "Look you two, stop asserting your masculinity or whatever this is. Slater, put him down, you big nancy."

The two boys glared at each other for a moment longer, then Slater grudgingly relaxed his grip on Zack. The blonde fell to the floor again. "Hell, I'll just stay down, shall I? It shouldn't be too long before you're lifting me back up, right."

Slater growled, and pulled Zack up. The three walked back over, where they found Lisa looking confusedly at them. "I heard loud voices, and fighting. I would have gone over, but my designer heels aren't made for...well, walking. Full stop."

Jessie laughed, the noise sounding fake to Zack. "No, Zack just jumped on us as we were...ahem. Making up, if you catch my drift."

Lisa grinned. "I get you, sister. If you need to borrow my make up, then just say." The girl went back to rubbing Screech's belly absently, as he panted and chewed on the stick. Jessie sat down a little way away, and Zack joined her.

"What was that about? Why did you lie?"

She sighed, and turned to him. Taking both of his hands in hers, she looked into his eyes, and Zack saw the determination. "Zack, listen. Slater and I, we spent ages together, and whether he was...different all along or not, that changes nothing. We were friends before this, and we'll be friends afterwards. But until he decides he's ready him and I, we're going to keep pretending. He's going to let me do what I want boyfriend-wise, and I'm going to let him do what he wants...also, boyfriend-wise. And no-one will realise anything. Except you. And if you tell anyone, I will kill you, even before Slater has the chance." She smiled. "Seeing as we're not a proper couple anymore, we don't have to share our victims."

Zack gulped. "I get you. I'll be good. Be all supportive and nice and the like."

"Zack, that's the last thing you should be."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "...what?"

"If people see you acting differently towards him, they're going to ask questions. And, my little blonde buddy, you will slip up. If you stay the same, they'll all see it as the usual. You get me?"

He nodded, slowly. "Staying a bastard is normal. So I stay a bastard!"

Jessie patted him on the head. "Well done. You'll get the hang of this brain yet."

They settled back down, Zack suddenly realising he was missing his ice cream. Jessie laughed, and he looked back at her. "What's funny?"

Jessie glanced at him, as if unaware that she'd laughed out loud. "What? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the irony of it all. You and Slater competing over all those girls. Me always getting mad at him for looking at a waitresses ass, or being a chauvanist pig. All of it was an act. Poor boy."

Zack smiled. "And all this time I thought he was just a big dumb wrestler. Damn, that good an actor, the boy should be in movies." He lay back. "At least it's good to know I no longer have any competition, right?"

"He's still going to act like he wants girls, you know. He lied for the whole time he was with me, and he'll keep lying."

"Oh, I know. That's the best arrangement I could ask for. All the fun of the challenge, but whoever wins, I get the girl! Sigh...I wish more boys were closeted. I'd have free rein of the entire school. The entire town. The entire country..."

Jessie slapped him lightly on the arm. "Even you couldn't handle that many girls, Zack Morris. And I think they'd be disappointed if you were the only one who was interested in repopulating the USA. And what would you do when no one was interested in straight porn anymore? You'd have nothing to do of an evening."

He grinned at her. "I think the problem would be too much to do. Or, at least, too many."

She sniffed at him, and they settled back to watching the rest of the gang. "What were you implying when you said 'I'll tear you a new one', by the way? Because from where I was, it didn't sound like you were 'being a friend'..." Zack looked sidelong at Jessie.

She laughed. "Oh! Of course. I can see how you might have been confused there. That was just me being a little bit...well, nasty." She emphasised 'nasty', but Zack didn't get the hint. He looked at her, incomprehension clear on his face, and Jessie sighed.

"Man, you're thick." She leant over, and described what she'd meant, very quietly, in his ear. Zack's face cleared as he understood.

"Ooooh, I see." Then he grimaced. "That's just wrong, Jessie! Ew! Why would you tell me something like that!" He rubbed at his ears furiously as Jessie rolled onto her back with laughter.

"You told me to tell you! And besides, it's not that bad, is it?"

"Uh, yeah! It is! Men were given just the right amount of...those. And when you say to a gay man like Slater that you'll tear a guy 'a new one'...well, I hope for his sake, whoever he is, it never comes to that. Things like that just aren't supposed to be like that...yich."

Jessie collapsed into giggles once more, and Zack looked at her with distaste. "You know, Jessie, if someone said something like that about women, ESPECIALLY if they implied what you did, then you'd murder them."

Jessie sat back up, all trace of mirth gone. "Zack, I'm so going to kill you for that!"

He gulped, and cowered, until he saw a smile fight its way onto Jessie's face, before she burst out laughing again. Zack sighed with relief. "I believed you were pissed off for a moment there. Please, don't do that again. My heart is only designed to stop once, and permanently. You keep doing that to it, it'll just give up one day."

They sat back, Jessie still smiling from the bantering, Zack still looking around for his ice cream.

Then Zack looked at Jessie confusedly. "Erm, Jess, there's something else too." She looked at him questioningly, and Zack lay back with his hands behind his head."About Slater, and his...act. You know, all the being chauvanistic, and flirtatious, and...well, more than a little bit horny. For someone gay, he sure was masculine. And by masculine, I mean...well, I mean..."

"Interested in girls? All of the things you just said? Yeah. I know. It's just Dan, the author, got a review from someone saying that Slater was too straight, and this could never happen. Being the non-confrontational and eager to please everyone person he is, Dan decided to try and make it look like Slater is a really good actor, rather than just admit he's working in a fantasy world."

Zack thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Kay. Whatever." He snapped his fingers. "That does explain why my ice cream suddenly disappeared." He licked his ice cream philosophically, before suddenly staring at it with surprise. "Okay, that's so cool."

Jessie looked over. "Yeah, Dan doesn't get continuity. Whenever you next notice something like that, don't mention it. Just go with the flow, okay?"

Zack nodded. "Hey, so long as I have an ice cream, then I'm happy!" And he settled back to eat.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclamer: Do I have to put one of these at the beginning of every chapter? Surely people get by now the fact that I. Own. Nothing. Kapeesh? Heehee...I said kapeesh :)

Zack looked around. Slater had been conspicuously absent for the length of his conversation with Jessie, having disappeared soon after he'd burst on top of them. What had happened? He looked over at Jessie. "Hey, did Slater say he was going somewhere earlier? Cos I haven't seen him for a while..."

Jessie glanced about. "Hey, yeah. That's true. Wait, I think Lisa asked him if he wanted an ice cream." She leaned towards Lisa. "Hey, Lisa," whispering because Screech was asleep at her feet, one leg kicking as he dreamt of...whatever it was he dreamt of, "did you ask Slater if he wanted something earlier?"

The girl looked up. "Wha? Oh, yeah. About...half an hour ago, I think. He said he wanted a coke, so I gave him the rest of the fifty dollars I had left and told him to do what he wanted with it."

Jessie looked incredulously at her. "You gave him more than forty dollars, and told him to do what he liked?"

"Yeah." Lisa looked at Jessies face. "What? It's not like I needed it!"

Jessie sighed. "Lisa, we really need to teach you the value of money sometime..."

"Yeah, yeah, like you keep saying." Lisa sneered. "'Lisa, you need to learn the value of money. Lisa, you need to learn respect for other people. Lisa, you need to learn not to mace shop assistants who get in your way.' If I didn't do any of those things, how would I have fun?"

Turning away from her, Jessie rolled her eyes at Zack. "He's got about forty dollars, a whole afternoon to blow it, and no actual need to repay it or suffer the consequences from blowing it all. What would you do?"

"Strip bar."

She slapped him. "Bad Zack. Now, get into Slater's head. Where would he go?"

The two sat in silence for a second, Jessie's brow furrowed in thought. Then Zack sniffed, and stood up. "Too difficult thinking. Going to randomly search. Be back in days begging for water."

Jessie huffed. "Well, don't blame me when I've found him and you've been wasting your day."

Zack's voice floated back to her. "Found him!"

She thumped a fist into her palm. "Dammit! Foiled by Zack. Again!" She glanced to her side, where Lisa was looking at her with a very odd look. "What?"

She shrugged. "Nothing. It's just usually the people who say things like that have a white cat. And sometimes an eyepatch. And a plot for destroying the world."

Even after the lesson he was supposed to have learnt earlier, Zack couldn't resist sneaking up on Slater as the taller boy looked avidly through one of the fixed telescopes positioned along the high wall of the beach. Quietly, he got as close as he could, and...

"BOOOooogrrrraaaAAAGH!" Zack gasped as Slater twisted and snatched him into an incredibly strong headlock. Able only to make the most wild of motions, he cut a hand across his throat to show he was suffering from the lack of air and blood to his head. Either that, or he wanted Slater to hang up a phonecall...which didn't make any sense at all.

Slater's all teeth bared muscles tensed dangerous man pose relaxed as he recognised the styled blonde hair. Slowly relaxing his grip enough for Zack to speak and breath, but not enough to escape. Not even flinching from Zacks flailings, Slater smiled down. "Now, Zack, what did we learn when we snuck up last time? Actually, that's a stupid question. Nothing, clearly. Let me rephrase. What SHOULD we have learnt, hmm?"

Zack made a sound usually made by large male walruses on the Discovery Channel, and Slater mock-thought for a second. "Hmm, no, don't think you got it then, preppy. Try harder."

"_Don't sneak up on people oh please let go my throat is going to snap in half and my lungs are exploding is there an ounce of human decency in your body?_" Zack croaked.

Slater grinned. "Well done!" Then he dropped him.

Zack lay face down on the floor. "Oh, hello floor, my old friend. I've come to see you once again..."

Slater looked down. "Wow, you're saying song lyrics. I musta hurt you bad. Come on." He heaved him back up.

Zack stared sightlessly at Slater's face. "Could you hold me upside down for a couple of minutes? I want to help the blood get to my head as quickly as possible."

Slater shrugged, and grabbed Zack by the ankles. Zack screamed.

"Joke! I was joking! Don't hold me upside down! For one thing, it will ruin my hair!"

Slater, laughing, let go of Zack, before leaning back against the rails. "So...why you following me?"

Zack brushed himself down. "We just noticed you'd been gone for a while. What have you been doing? Lisa told us she'd given you money."

Slater went a little red. "Nothing. Just...been standing. Here." So saying, he pushed the telescope away from where he'd been gazing a moment before.

Zack noticed, and reached out to hold it in place. "I see. What's Slater been checking out, I wonder?" He leaned in to take a look. After only a second of looking, he slowly straightened up, and narrowed his eyes at Slater, who laughed nervously.

"I see. Interesting. And the guy you've been looking at, do you even know his name?" Slater shook his head. "Do you know what he likes?" Again, Slater shook his head. "Do you have even the slightest intention of asking him out?"

Slater blanched, and spluttered. "I can't ask him out! If anyone found out, or if he threatened to tell anyone, or if he wasn't gay and he knew I was when I asked him out..."

Zack folded his arms. "You're scared."

Slater's shoulders slumped. "Like when my parents caught me wearing makeup." He looked at the expression on Zack's face. "It was when I was ten, and it was only a little bit!"

Zack stared a second more, then shook his head. "Creepy. Anyway, AC Slater? The man who took on two muggers to stop them from taking a half eaten bag of popcorn? The man who went out with Jessie for so many years? The man who THEN went on to tell Jessie he was gay through oral sex? With someone else, of course. This man, who has done so much so fearlessly, is scared?"

Slater considered. "Yeah. Pretty much."

"Just clearing the situation up."

Slater turned and rested both elbows on the railing, looking out over the sand. Zack moved up to stand next to him. Slater sighed. "I just...want. Him. There."

"The dark haired one? Why him?"

Slater shrugged. "I don't know. There's just something...about him."

Zack looked at the boy in the distance, squinting to make out the details. "Well, from what I can see, he is hot as hell."

Slater looked sidelong at Zack, who smiled. "I'm not joining the club, Slater. I'm just making a comment upon the fact that the guy does seem to fit most of the requirements for what is judged as good looking-ness."

Slater muttered something, and Zack leant in to try and catch it. "What did you say?"

"Nothing. Just thinking out loud."

Zack shrugged. Whatever. "So...why do you want him?" Slater turned, and Zack raised a hand. "And this time, explain. I don't want you to just say 'there's something about him' again."

Slater smiled shyly. "Okay. Well, I've seen him around quite a bit, and I think he lives on my street. I don't really know much about him, but he always strikes me as really...interesting. I'm drawn to him. I mean, there's nothing to suggest he's gay or anything, but I can hope. And he reminds me of someone...someone I once really liked."

"Sounds like you got it bad, Slater boy. So you know nothing about him, and you really like him, but you're too scared to ask anything about him? Or even find out for certain if he lives on your street?" Slater nodded. "So...what are you going to do about him then?"

Slater shrugged, frowning. "I dunno. I was just gonna..."

"Just gonna what? Spend the rest of your teenage years perving on him from a telescope on a beach whenever you get the chance?" Zack suddenly felt angry. Angry that one of his friends would be so gutless. Angry, that they hadn't been able to help with this.

Slater turned, fists clenched. "I've never done this before! He was here, I was here...it's as close as I'm ever gonna get to sleeping with him, for god's sake!" Slater suddenly slumped down onto the ground, and ran a hand through his hair. "I've never done any of this before."

Zack crouched next to him. "Yes, you have Slater. Every time you've asked a girl out, every time you've done that, no matter whether it was a lie or not, you've done it. And you'll do it again. And it will be real this time."

Slater looked up into the blondes face, and Zack almost gasped at the tears gathering in his eyes. "But...with girls...that was normal. That was what is normal! But..."

Zack grabbed him by the shoulders. "If that sentence was going to finish sounding anything like 'being gay isn't normal', I would have punched you so hard that you might have flinched a little. I'm quite puny. But never, NEVER say being gay isn't normal, or unnatural, or depraved or anything else! You may as well say 'being a man is wrong', or 'being Asian is twisted'. I can tolerate a lot of things, but that pushes the boundary, Slater!"

Slater sniffed, wiping a tear away from his eye. "You think so? You don't hate me or anything?"

"Please. I can't hate you for anything, AC. You're a friend, as much of one as Jessie, or Kelly, or Lisa, or Screech. And look at him! We still all love him, right?"

Slater nodded, smiling through his sadness. Zack smiled back. "Good. Now, we're going to get you that boy, but in a cunning, cunning way. And everything is going to be shiny and pretty, and flowers will dance with bunnies yadah yadah yadah. Better?"

Slater lifted himself up, and wiped his eyes again. "Better. Thanks, man."

The two boys grinned at each other, and turned back to gaze out over the sand. Zack felt happy, despite the fact he'd just promised to help Slater trick a boy into going out with him. At the time, it didn't seem too important. There were just a few things niggling at his brain...

"Slater, answer me something. How long have you...known?"

Slater looked over. "Well, I think I've always known. I just needed drunkeness and a hot guy to bring it properly out."

"No, I mean, everyone says that. I mean when did you know for sure? Like, what was the first thing that made you think it?"

Slater considered for a moment. "Wrestling."

Zack raised an eyebrow at Slater, who laughed, and shrugged. "What can I say? It was a while ago, in a wrestling competition. I was going at it hammer and tongs with this guy who was my equal. No worse, no better. Then, just as I grabbed his leotard and pulled it really tight over his ass, I got suddenly distracted. You know, 'distracted'. The same distracted you are when Michelle sits in front of you in Chemistry."

Zack's eyes glazed over. "Thank god for cheerleaders and their skirts. If it weren't for her, I might have got a good mark in Chem, but it sure was worth it..."

Slater sighed, and clicked his fingers in front of Zack's face, bringing him back down to earth. "So, like I say, that was when I first thought that I might have been gay, or something. Or, knew that I might be gay or something. Before that, it was just a liking of 'pretty' clothes, and a tightening of the pants whenever...a certain someone walked by. It was that made me sure I didn't just like him, I liked hims. You understand?"

Zack nodded. "I think I get you, man. Makes it more understandable, you know? Thanks, by the way? For being so honest, and everything? I guess this must be difficult?"

The other boy shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, it is. I still haven't told my dad. And I don't think I will. Not for a while, anyway. Maybe on his deathbed."

The two boys turned back to the beach, gazing over it again. Zack started to scheme on how to catch the boy in front of them, morality be screwed! It was going to be foolproof, and Zack could already tell it would be one of the more entertaining exploits he'd ever pulled off...so long as it went correctly...

Then Slater looked over, consideringly. "Zack, can I ask you something now?"

"Yeah, sure. Anything."

"How come Dan keeps giving me the angst-y bits?"

"Heh. Who knows? Just go along with it. If you do, you get ice cream."

The two boys simultaneously lifted their ice creams, and grinned at each other.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Ah, screw this. You know the drill, babes. Love ya!

"So, we need a plan to get this boy for Slater, and it has to be good, y'understand? This has to be executed perfectly." Zack looked at his audience. "Do you understand...'Screech'?"

Jessie sighed. "Look, Zack. I know Slater doesn't want anyone else to know yet, but do I really have to fill in for Screech in one of your schemes? It's wierd...really wierd. And this wig is creeping me out. I think something keeps moving in it."

Zack glared at Jessie, sitting in front in a carefully arranged Screech-esque position, and wearing the Hallowe'en wig that he'd found when trick-or-treating about seven years ago, which sort of looked like the boys hair when ruffled a bit. "Look, I need someone to help me with this, and because I can't use Screech, you need to fill in. Convincingly. Hell, I wore a dress for you. The least you can do is act like Screech for a little while."

She pulled the wig off and ran a hand through her hair, then started to inspect it carefully. "Well, I suppose, but it's just...not right. I mean, how would you feel if...wait. Is this blood?"

Zack glanced down at the offending dreadlock of matted hair, and paled slightly. "Erm...you don't need to wear that anymore if you don't want to. I wouldn't."

She looked at him, then shuddered, and tossed the wig away. "Ugh. I should have known better than to wear something you gave me. Anyway, like I was saying, how would you feel if Screech replaced you with someone?"

Zack shrugged. "It's not the same, though. I mean, if I could tell him, I would. But I can't. So I make do. I mean, maybe if I moved to Africa, or Mars or something, then Screech would have to get a new me, but that's not going to happen, is it? Just for now, I need a stand-in."

"Well, I suppose you're right. But seeing as we've got that out of the way, lets move on to the many problems I have with the morality of you, and all your plans. This can't work."

Zack frowned at her. "But I haven't even told you the plan yet. You don't know anything about it."

She smiled at him. "But I know that it's going to be wrong, seeing as you invented it. It's going to be something like kidnapping him, or knocking him out with chloroform, or offering him money...what are you writing?" Zack had picked up a pen and was scribbling things onto a notepad.

He looked up at her. "These are good ideas. Keep going. Screech would never have thought of the chloroform, you know..."

She sighed, and shrugged. "There's no stopping you, is there. Just, try not to break any laws, state or federal."

Zack looked at her with an accusatory glint in his eyes. "What kind of monster do you think I am, Jessie? Me, break laws?"

"How can you keep a straight face when saying that, Zack Morris?"

"With practice. Now, we need to find out where this boy goes to school, who he hangs out with afterwards, where he was born. I want to know everything about him. I want to know who his first crush was...in fact, find out Slater's as well. I could use some new blackmail material, seeing as there's so much red tape around the stuff I already know. Are you writing all this down?"

Jessie spread her hands. "You want me to find all this for you? How? I have class, and homework, and a social life! When do I have the time?"

He glanced at her, and she rolled her eyes. "Alright, so maybe my social life isn't the most energetic little puppy in the kettle, but come on! What do you think I am?"

"Screech was always able to find out all of this stuff...and he wouldn't ask me all these questions, either. He'd just do it." Zack muttered.

"Yes, but you can't use him, can you, Zack? I mean, you can't tell him, and only a total idiot wouldn't realise the reasons why he would be searching for things like this."

They both paused, a silent communication passing between them, then Zack smiled. "See, you can be helpful, can't you?"

"Weeeeeell, I dunno, Zack. I mean, I'm pretty busy with my worm maze, and the article on alien abductions and the subsequent probing that takes place for my online journal. Some of the guys and I are trying to dispel the myths that all aliens do anal probing, when in actual fact only around fifteen point eight two percent of aliens do, and often that takes place only as a formality. Our alien brothers aren't totally sadistic, and we've got to remember this." Screech held the phone between shoulder and ear as he kicked off from the wall, riding the computer chair all the way across the room over to his worm farm. Distractedly dropping a few dead leaves into it, he rolled back to his computer, and started to type. "And how's Rambo? You're still reading him those things I printed off for him?"

Rambo was the rat Zack was currently looking after, due to Mrs Power's aversion to the creatures continual escape attempts. Zack had offered to take him for a little while, just until Screech could build a secure playpen for him, and had put him in the bath. The sides stopped him getting out, and it meant that he didn't have to clean up too much. And so far, he'd only once tried to get down the plughole.

Zack heard the clack of keys down the phone line. " Uh, yeah. He's fine. Look, it won't take too long. I just need this guy's life story. Couldn't you just do that for me? It can't take that long, can it?"

Screech tutted at the screen. Without turning around, he muttered, "Stop fighting, you two. Don't make me come back there!"

Zack frowned. "Who you talking to?"

"My worms. Batman and The Penguin are fighting over a elm leaf."

Zack paused. "Screech..."

"I mean, I wouldn't mind, but they're only doing it to get Catwoman's attention. Even though I think her and Batwoman...well, you know what worms are like..."

"...Aren't worms hermaphrodites?" Zack asked.

"Yep!"

Zack paused again, then shaking his head, dismissed it from his mind. He just wouldn't understand. "Look, Screech, dude. Please. Come on. It's Zack! You help me with everything, remember? We're best buddies!"

On his end of the line, Screech furrowed his own brow. "But last week, I got kicked out of the Max because of the thing you pulled with the ketchup bottles."

"Yeah, but wasn't it funny?"

"I guess..." Screech sounded unsure, and Zack sighed.

"Dude, I tried to do this the easy way, you know, but you've forced me into it. Do you remember my birthday party this year? Past 10 o'clock?"

Silence. Then Screech slowly said "...Noooo..."

"Exactly."

Another silence. "Right. Life story. Would you like that e-mailed straight to your printer, or should I just send it to your computer. If it's not there in thirty minutes, the next one's free!" Screech chirped down the line.

Zack smiled. "Straight to the printer, please. Pleasure doing business with you, buddy. See yah tomorrow." He hung up the phone and turned to see Jessie frowning at him. "What now?"

"You just blackmailed one of your oldest friends. How do you feel about that?" Jessie accused.

He shrugged. "I dunno. How did you feel when you broke Kimberly Stuarts glasses and then put them back into her coat without telling anyone?"

She paled. "How do you know about...wait. Hey!"

"I blackmail everyone. It's my way of saying 'I love you. Now do what I say'. Don't you just love it?" He grinned wickedly at her, and she sighed.

"Well, it gets the job done, I suppose. I can't fault your technique. Just one question..." Zack looked at her, and she rolled her eyes. "What did Screech actually do this year?"

"Nothing. He fell down the stairs and knocked himself out. When he came round it was morning and me and Slater had taken all his clothes and tied him to a tree. Who knows what he thinks he did? But it's useful, dontchathink?"

Jessie gasped. "That's horrible! I can't believe you'd do that! What if he had concussion? He could have got permanent brain damage!"

"This is Screech. He's already got brain damage, most people think."

She stopped, mid flow. "Hmm...you have a point."

The printer suddenly rattled into action, and Zack smiled. "However, you can't beat him for prompt service! One life story, hot off the press, Jessie?"

She shrugged, and picked the first sheet up. Then she looked over it at Zack. "Oh, and by the way? It's 'Slater and I', not 'me and Slater'."

"...What?"

"You said 'me and Slater tied him to the tree.". It's 'Slater and I tied him to the tree.". It's grammatically incorrect, otherwise."

Zack stared at her for a moment, then shook his head. "One of these days, we're going to have to go over the ways you chat up boys, darlin'. Correcting what they say is just the kind of thing that will bug them enough to start batting for the other side, just to get away from you. It's right up there with buying them socks, and checking the carat of any jewellry they buy you. In front of them."

She pouted. "That only happened once, and that wasn't even with Slater!"

"Mmmm. Sure. Whatever."

Jessie brushed some loose hair out of her eyes, and huffed. The printer had been rattling off sheets and sheets of information since it had started at nine that evening. Clearly Screech had decided to kill them through kindness, and had sent them everything pertaining to Nick, as they'd found he was called. At half ten, Zack had gone out to buy Coke, and for most of the night the two had been on a sugar high. It was now one in the morning, and Zack was drumming out 'Bohemian Rhapsody' with two empty bottles on his desk while reading Nicks 6th grade reports ('An important member of the class, and always a help'). She pushed his doctors reports out of the way (broke an arm at ten, stiches in his head at fourteen after a skateboard accident) and picked her way over to him, trying to avoid newspaper reports and photo printouts (was involved in a fundraiser for Tibetan monks recently).

"Zack, how MUCH of this do I have to read through?" Zack jumped slightly, and looked at Jessie with surprise. She sighed. Clearly he was pretty far gone on the Coke, eyes still moving from side to side, reading a sheet of paper that wasn't in front of him.

He shook his head, and tried to stop Jessie from darting from left to right. "We only have to read the important bits. Just the important bits. If you find a bit that we can use, then write it down. Then we'll compare later. Stop moving, will you?"

Jessie blinked, then mentally dismissed it. "Yes, Zack. I know that. But how am I supposed to know what is important and what isn't?"

"You read everything. Okay?"

She hit him with one of the bottles, and his eyes stopped quivering for a moment. "Zack, it's tomorrow already. I need sleep. YOU need sleep. So it's unlikely you're going to get any, thereby making it the second night you haven't got to bed, but still. Look at you! You are the original wreck. Come on, I'm going to bed." She turned to leave, and Zack leapt from his chair as though from a springboard to stop her.

Halfway through his jump, he realised his feet were still resting on the bottom of the chair, wrapped around each other. As he fell, though, he reached out and grabbed Jessie's ankles, poleaxing her into a pile of paper. She shrieked as she fell, and Zack got the full force of a kick in his face, complete with wedge heel.

She spluttered up, printouts cascading everywhere. "Zack, you moron! You could have killed me, asshole!"

Zack rolled over, nursing an eye that would undoubtedly have gone a nasty shade of purple by the morning. "You landed in a pile of papers. How could you have died in that? I doubt it's possible to papercut an artery open."

Jessie pouted. "You're still an ass. What was that for?"

He struggled to rest on his elbows, and bent his head backwards to look at her. "You said you'd help Slater. This looks like giving up to me."

"I'm tired, I have at least two essays that I haven't done in for tomorrow morning, my mom is going to be coming back to a smashed window and a broken-into liquor cabinet, and there are about a million other things that, between you and Slater, I haven't had time to do. Please, have mercy."

Zack flipped back onto his front and stared up accusingly at Jessie from under his hair. Even his extra-super-special-rockhard-crazystrength-gel was starting to flag, and his style was drooping slightly. She sighed. "Look, we can do this later. I have my own things to sort out! Namely I need to get me a new boyfriend. Yelling at you just isn't the same. I need control over something."

"You know, I've had less sleep than you in the last two days, I have homework too, my parents have grounded me because I didn't come home last night, due to the distraught best friend comforting, and right now there is a caffiene to blood ratio of about one to one in my veins. But I'm still awake. Do you know why? Do you know why I'm concentrating so hard on this plan? Why it's getting so much attention from me?"

"Because you want to see how much trouble you can cause with one swift move?"

"It's a big part of it, yes."

Jessie laughed, despite herself. "Well, I suppose that's always the way with you, Mr. Morris. Even the most noble of deeds have their own little grain of selfishness, I suppose. You'll always be the one to exploit that, won't you?" She leant forward and kissed him lightly on the forehead. "I do think it's very sweet of you to help Slater out with this. God knows that boy needs the aid. Much as he machos about, he hasn't got much of a spine on him, it has to be said. Not when it comes to this, I don't think."

She stood up, removing stray pieces of paper that had worked their way into her clothes. Zack pushed back over onto his back, and stared up at the ceiling. "Are you gonna stay the night here?"

"Uh-huh. If that's okay, I mean. I don't have anything to go back home for. Mom's out of town for another week or so yet, I think. It's not all finalised."

Zack frowned. Without looking at her, he was still able to read the slight tone of sadness in her voice. "Hey, Miss Independence! You know how much food my mom makes. Do you wanna stay here until yours gets back? Honestly, if anything, you'd be helping!"

Jessie turned, and he could see she was about to snap something about being able to take care of herself. Then, she checked herself, and smiled at him. "Am I that easy to read?"

He grinned back. "Only to me, and I make a living out of it, pretty much. Come on. Stay over. I want you to."

She nodded at him. "Thanks, Zack. I'd appreciate that."

"Good. I want a glass of water. You know where the cups are."

A book caught him full in the groin, and he doubled up with a gasp. Jessie's voice drifted back through the door to him. "Just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm going to be your maid, you know."

Despite the blinding pain, Zack angled his head towards the door. "Aw, and just when I was going to get you one of their outfits for your birthday. Now you've ruined the surprise!"

Jessie poked her head back through the door. "Zack. Your penis isn't a possession, it's a priviledge. One that I am all too willing to take away from you. Understand?" He nodded, and she disappeared, before putting her head back round the door again. "Actually, do you want a coffee, or something? If we're going to keep going with this, I'm going to need something to get me through the night...morning...whatever this is right now. Can I get you one?"

"Well, I'd say yes, only I've drunk four litres of Coke tonight. Like I said, more caffiene could actually kill me. Ooh, but that actually just reminded me of something really important that I need to do tonight."

Jessie frowned at him. "What's that?"

He stood up, and started hopping from foot to foot. "I haven't been to the toilet all evening. I think I'm going to explode with four litres of compressed Coke! Gangway!"

Jessie grimaced as Zack rushed past her and slammed the bathroom door. "EWWWWW! Too much information!" She shook her head. "So this is what it's like having a brother. Thank god I'm an only child, then."

"I heard that!"

She smiled as she stepped into the spare room and started to ready herself for bed. When they'd been young, they'd slept in the same room, but now they were older and, to Mr Morris, 'balls of sweaty hormones', they'd had to start sleeping seperately. It made sense to them, she supposed, but Zack was like her brother. She'd feel kinda incestuous if she did anything with him. He was exactly like a brother to her. She'd never really felt the lack of a sibling exactly because of that, and she certainly got the full package, annoyances and all. As she stripped down to her underwear, and put on the nightie that about a year before she'd bought for the purpose of leaving at Zacks so she'd have something to wear when she decided to stay over, Jessie felt a sense of placement. Zack's house was like a second home, and sometimes, when Jessie was feeling especially distraught, she would admit to herself that it was even more of a home, and Zack's family a family, to her than her own. It wasn't that she was unloved or unhappy, just that his parents had been the ideal image of such to her. She smiled again, a little sadly, and walked into the bathroom.

Meanwhile, Zack was brushing his teeth. Upper set, five circles on each one, outer side. Upper set, five circles on each one, inner side. Lower set...Zack had been following the pattern ever since he'd decided to become a Lothario, to ensure the maximum shine. Usually, he was able to go through his top twenty pickup lines while doing them, it had become so familiar. Tonight, though, something was nagging at his mind. It was something actually quite important.

Jessie looked into the mirror, baring her molars. Behind her, she heard a clicking, only for a second, but she turned around. The shower curtain was drawn halfway across the bath, and now Jessie had stopped brushing, the strong scent of mint was disappearing and another, slightly acrid smell replaced it. Curious, she stepped up.

Zack burst out of his bathroom, and skidded across the hall into the guest room. Through the open door into the bathroom, he saw Jessie staring across at him with surprise. Her hand grasped the edge of the curtain, about to pull it back. "Jessie, don't look behind that!"

Her surprise disappeared, and she narrowed her eyes at him, before pulling the curtain back. Zack had a quick 'Psycho' flashback, before Jessie screamed as she beheld the scurrying black ball of matted fur glowering up at her from the bottom of the bathtub.

Only minutes later, Jessie was curled up in Zack's room, sleeping in his bed. Unfortunately, Zack had an engagement with Rambo. As he lay in the guest room, Zack considered how much of a good friend he was, to all of them, and how it always seemed to come back to bite him in the ass. Roused once again by Rambo's insistent squeals, Zack pondered the situation, and planned his revenge on Jessie.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I still own nothing. Even my soul. I traded it for 15 minutes alone with my best friends boyfriend. ;)

Standing at the counter, in Slater's house, Zack mentally went over the things that could gave gone wrong that evening. There were so many. No-one could have turned up, the booze might not have arrived as specified, HE might not have made it that evening. Jessie could have been right about everything, and Zack had sworn that when she was, he'd retire from trouble-making.

Luckily, though, it was aaaaaall good.

"Yo, dude, you AC Slater? AWESOME party, dude! You rock!" A baseball capped drunk boy had stumbled out of the crowd in front of him. If Zack had been in a worse mood, he might have engineered something comical and entertainingly painful to happen to him. As it was, he smiled, and handed him another beer, not bothering to correct the misconception the other boy held. He suspected so far, every boy at this party had either been asked whether they were AC Slater, or at least taken the credit for the party. So few people actually could put a face to the name, being mostly kids from Nicks school, rather than Bayside. Zack hadn't counted on the fact, though, that if people didn't know who Slater was, they wouldn't be scared of getting him mad. Zack heard a crash from upstairs, and people cheering. Lucky General Slater wasn't back for a couple of nights. Also lucky that Screech had the security cameras on a permanent loop of yesterday evening, a night Slater was out, and the house was empty and unmoving. Very lucky indeed.

"And STAY OUT!" Jessie appeared next to him, a foul look on her face. Zack glanced at her.

"What's up?"

"If I find one more pair of girls being all lesbian to attract male attention, I'm going to revoke their membership to being female! Would you like to know HOW I plan to revoke their membership? It involves a couple of coat-hangers, a bath tub and eight inches of string."

Zack smiled. "Calm, Jessie, calm. Let feminism rest for one night, huh? Enjoy yourself! Maybe even try a little pole dancing!" He squeaked as she ground a stilletto into his foot.

"NOT in the mood, Zack! Jesus, I have to go rein in a couple of freshmen out on the lawn. They're putting their Sex Ed knowledge to too good a use."

She disappeared off into the crowd again, and Zack paused for a moment, debating whether to guard the beer or to help her out. As he reached a decision, however, and moved away from the keg, thirsty eyes turned towards it. Zack jerked back into position, and the onlookers moved on, muttering and casting evils his direction. Zack let out a sigh. He was going to be next to it all night, wasn't he. He turned to the tap and filled himself a glass of water. This wasn't a night he was meant to get wasted on. He had to keep his head. He took a sip, then sat back.

Where were all his friends?

-------------

Jessie grunted as she picked the girl up, and pushed her away from the boy. Looking down in disgust at him, desperately struggling to pull his jeans back up, she wondered what she could be doing that would have been constructive that night. Then again, in comparison to this, giving herself a frontal lobotomy would have been 'constructive'.

Hunkering down, Jessie sighed. "You're young, you're nubile, your hormones will undoubtedly right now be raging through your bloodstream like crabs through a colony of nymphomaniac bisexuals. But please. Choose a better place for screwing your girlfriend than someone's front yard."

"Oh, she's not my girlfriend. My girlfriend was out of town this weekend."

Jessie considered the situation for a moment, then shrugged. "In which case, I will take an enormous amount of pleasure in doing what I was trying not to."

---------------

Jessie hadn't thought boys voices could get that high. Then again, she'd never seen one of those stretch so far. Although, she'd done him a favour, if you thought about it. Now he was at least a couple of inches better endowed.

She brushed off her hands as she stepped inside, and spotted Kelly over by the window. She was staring with a kind of shock at (presumably) the boy who Jessie had just assualted.

Jessie came up behind her, and glanced at the boy hobbling away clutching his jeans around his knees with one hand and his groin with the other. She smiled thinly, and touched Kelly on the shoulder. The other girl looked around to see who it was, then turned back to the window. "What did he say to deserve that?"

"Oh, that wasn't his girlfriend on top of him."

Kelly sucked air through her teeth. "Y'know, it really shows that people at Bayside respect you and Slater. No-one would ever do this to his house, I don't think, and no-one would ever suggest anything like that to you. I think we're going to have made a lasting impression on these kids by the time this is over."

"Hopefully. I've certainly made a lasting impression on that boy."

"I meant a mental one. Although admittedly, it would be interesting to see him explain to his girlfriend why he now has two hand imprints on his...well, you know."

"I know. I was the one who put them there."

Kelly grinned, then turned away from the window. "Where's Zack? Still guarding the booze?"

"Think so. Why? You need to talk to him?"

"No, not really. It's just...he's been kinda distracted lately. Y'know how he's usually trying to trick girls into going out with him, including me? And he'll use some complex and fatally flawed plan that's so much more complicated and less likely to work than just _asking_ the girl to go out with him?" Kelly paused for a breath, and Jessie raised an eyebrow, before nodding. Kelly was worried.

"Well, yesterday, at school, that new exchange student, the swedish one-"

"-Hanne-"

"-yeah, her, she was in our chemistry class. Have you seen her?"

Jessie cast her mind back a couple of days. Hmm...she did seem to be able to recall some gorgeous, tall, blonde Valkyrie wandering about the halls of Bayside with a couple of beach balls shoved down her top. She also remembered the trail of boys the girl had left behind, pretty much all of them hunching slightly, and holding files and jackets over their crotches. Bitter? Jessie? Never.

"...I think I remember her, a little. Yeah."

"Well, she sat in front of Zack, and he didn't react. She stretched, almost knocking the kid in front of her out with her boobs, and he didn't react."

"Maybe Zack was just tired? Or hungry? Or...dead?"

"She dropped her pencil, Jessie. Do you know how she then picked it up?" Kelly widened her eyes at Jessie, who bit her lip.

"She stood up, turned around, bent right over so you could see so far down her top you got a glimpse of the floor, stood back up, gave a happy little jump and sat back down. And Zack didn't bat an eyelid! I'm worried, Jessie. The Zack I thought I knew would have reacted enormously, at the very least tried to toss a penny into her cleavage! But nothing! He sat there, not writing, not doing anything, just..." Kelly paused for a moment, frowning. "Huh."

"What?"

Kelly shook her head. "I was just thinking about the lesson, and what Zack was doing rather than looking at Hanne...I think he was staring at Slater."

Jessie laughed loudly, throwing her head back. At the same time, the 'fight or flight' reflex was kicking in, and she was a couple of seconds away from either running or attacking Kelly. She managed to cram down the fleeing/biting, scratching foaming urges, though, and took a deep breath, letting her bullshit gland kick into action. "I know what it'll be. Zack will have been wondering how he could beat Slater to her. You know how those two are, they're always competing. You shouldn't worry about it."

Kelly relaxed slightly. "You're probably right. It was a pretty calculating stare. And it would make sense. Zack probably still thinks you and Slater are broken up."

Jessie gasped slightly, while inwardly wiping her brow in relief. "Has no-one told him? Someone should do. Otherwise he might do something to Slater."

Kelly smiled. "I don't think he would. Zack's competitive, but you know what'll happen. The only person who ever suffers from his plans is himself. Even when they go right, usually. But if you want, I'll go find him. I need another drink anyway." She raised her cup, and shook it.

Jessie smiled back at her. "That would be good. Anyway, I was going to find Screech. I want to ask him whether the outdoor cameras are on the loop too. Do you know where he is?"

"Mmm-hmm. Last time I saw him, it was in the General's study. I think that's where the mainframe for surveillance is. Lisa picked the lock, so she'll still be in there too, most likely. Although I'd be careful going in. Slater said that the General would notice if anything was out of place in there, and Lisa said that she'd make sure no-one got in. She had that look on her face when it's the Sales at the mall."

Jessie laughed again, sincerely this time. "Thanks for the advice. See you later. Oh, and if that kid comes back, come get me. I'll make what I did last time seem like I was giving him the best handjob of his life."

Kelly waved, and watched her friend disappear into the crowd. She shook her head, and frowned. Jessie had been bullshitting, and she'd been bullshitting hard. There was something up, and Kelly didn't like it. She put the empty cup down she'd grabbed when she'd needed to stop Jessie being suspicious, next to her own, full one. She was going to get to the bottom of this, and somehow, she knew it was all to do with Slater.

----------------

Jessie gently opened the door to the General's study. She managed to open it a couple of inches before something heavy slammed into it, and a deep voice yelled 'Stay the hell out of here, you damn hippies! I have my shotgun, and you're not getting in!"

Jessie paused for a moment. "It's Jessie, guys."

The door was pulled wide, and Lisa stood there, Screech curled on the floor clutching himself. "Jessie! Why didn't you say! Come on in."

Jessie walked through, and shut the door. "You okay, Screech?"

"Yeah, I will be. I just kinda...y'know, threw myself against the door. Seemed to be the right thing to do at the time. I may have fractured my wingbones."

Lisa sat down in the Generals office chair and span around, picking up a lollipop from the desk, leaving a sticky mark. "Screech, you don't have wingbones. We found that out second grade, when you threw yourself out of that tree, remember?"

Screech picked himself up gingerly, and pouted. "I do have wingbones! They just weren't well developed enough to open and lift my weight back then!"

Lisa looked at him mischieviously. "Well, this house is pretty tall. Why don't you just quickly run up to the roof and check if they will now? I'll make sure you have a soft landing?"

"Really?" Screech turned to leave, rubbing his hands together in anticipation of finally getting to test his mutant abilities. Jessie grabbed him around the waist, and spun him back around, putting herself between him and the door.

"Lisa, come on now. That's cruel. He'd actually do it, and you know that. He could really hurt himself."

Lisa stuck her bottom lip out. "Oh, my heart bleeds. Let me just get out the worlds smallest violin. He's not been letting me have any fun! Every time I do anything, or touch anything, it's 'Lisa, stop. The General will notice it's been moved!', or 'Lisa, don't throw that at me, it's a priceless Ming vase', or 'Lisa, don't force me to download necrophiliac bestiality porn onto the Generals computer 'just for fun''. He can't do any because otherwise the whole trick will be ruined! Well, fricking WAAAH, like I give a cheque. Priceless Ming vase, my diamond encrusted designer heels that I use to grind hopes and dreams into the ground."

Jessie sighed. Sounded like it was that time of the month. "Lisa, what's wrong?"

"I'm BORED! Bored bored bored! I don't want to be here, I want to be at home, trying on my new boots, and dancing through my entirely empty house! But no, Zack says I have to be here, and unfortunately, it was a choice between in here...or out there." Lisa said the last word with such disgust Jessie couldn't help but giggle.

Lisa glared at her. "It's not funny! Out there, there are people. Dirty people, dirty people who don't understand that this is an effectively irreplaceable jacket, dirty people who don't understand that, THEN try to rub their dirty selves up against me so I have to mace them!"

Jessie's mind momentarily flipped back to the poor girl she'd seen who'd been clutching her face in the dining room, feeling compassion for her, before returning. "Well, isn't there some other way to entertain yourself?"

Lisa tossed her arm into the air in exasperation. "In a house this big, you'd have thought that, wouldn't you? But no! I was in Slater's bedroom, messing around with his stuff. That boy has remarkably good dress sense, you know. I was in there, and these two kids came in and fell onto the bed. Well, I stood up, and coughed, but then two more came in, and they fell onto the floor! Well, there comes a point, where you just have to admit defeat. That wasn't it. I got a couple of new pepper sprays today, ones that clip onto a stilletto, and one on this gorgeous little silk ribbon on my wrist, look, see? Fabulous, isn't it? Anyway, they were all screaming after that, so I had to leave. The back yard was full of kids, and I didn't want to waste my new sprays, so I had to break out those ghastly big mace cans. Then they were screaming, so I went back inside, and came in here."

Jessie looked over at Screech, instinctively, and he laughed. "She hasn't tried to mace me yet, no. Besides, I've built up a resistance to it, all these years, and I'm wearing my special contacts, too. Love is blind, but I'd prefer not to be, you know?"

"Mmm. And you've learnt to dodge nowadays." Lisa looked at him, languidly lying back in her chair. "We've got you well trained, you know, boyo."

"I aim to please, mistress." Screech winked at her, then flung himself full length on the floor. Whistling to himself quietly, he put his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. Jessie looked over at Lisa, who shook her head.

"It's some energy saving technique he's obsessed with. Apparently it keeps him in a state of consciousness that means he can regain energy while solving complex puzzles in his head."

"Sound interesting!" Jessie said, unconvincingly. Lisa gave her a Look.

"Sounds like bullshit, you mean. Besides, listen." They stopped speaking, just in time for Screech to let out a soft snore.

"I doubt you're supposed to go to sleep. Anyway, what are you doing in here?"

Jessie shrugged. "I got tired of dragging hormonal kids off the front lawn. I'm looking for somewhere to rest, but I thought I'd see how Screech was doing in here first. If the rest of the house is like you've said, though...I dunno. I might stay here for some quality time."

Lisa sniffed. "Well, it's okay for you, you have the choice. I HAVE to stay in here, if I want to stay clean. Unless..." Lisa narrowed her eyes at Jessie's baggy shirt, worn open over a tank top.

Jessie gulped.

-----------------------

Lisa strolled through the crowds of people, grinning despite the constant bumps from dancers and the more frantically amorous. She was happy in the knowledge that, underneath this hideous thing (though she wouldn't tell Jessie that), her gorgeous jacket was warm, safe, and most importantly? Clean.

She moved towards the kitchen, where Jessie had said Zack was hiding out. She was pretty thirsty, anyway, but mostly she wanted to catch him and exchange a couple of cliches with him, whilst she admired that fine ass. Lisa, not without morals, still considered staring at one of your oldest friends assets perfectly acceptable. It was probably due to her long exposure to Screech, she thought, but it was immaterial where it was from. It didn't seem to bother Zack, and he sometimes even clenched for her, if she was lucky. She didn't want him as a whole, so there was nothing wrong. Skewed logic, perhaps, but Lisa was rich. She didn't need logic.

She spotted him leant against the counter, and smiled. Grinding her heel into some boy's foot when he got in her way, she stepped over to Zack, and tapped his arm. "Hey, sexy. How's it going out here?"

Zack grinned at her. "So you ARE here after all. I did think you would be, after I heard the screams from the backyard. It was either you or Jessie."

Lisa bit her bottom lip in what she hoped looked like guilt. "Yeah, well. You know me. Little itchy on the spray finger."

"Mmm. Yeah. Just a little, huh?" Zack rolled his eyes. "Anyway, have you seen Kelly about?"

"No, I'd have thought she'd have been with you."

Zack frowned, confusedly. "I saw her about ten minutes ago, across the room. She didn't come over though, and I couldn't go to her because, well, look around you." He gestured to the slightly feral looking kids around him.

"Maybe she didn't see you?"

"Maybe. It's just Jessie went to find Kelly, and she would have said that I was here. And even if she didn't find her, I would have sworn she looked at me. I even shouted across the room at her, I though loud enough too, but nothing. If anything, she sped up."

"So...what do you think?"

"I'm really worried I've done something to offend her. And I'm just going through all the stuff I've done in the past week."

Lisa thought back. Already this week, Zack had auctioned Kelly off to a nerd, a wierdo, a porno director, and the football squad, which she hadn't been pleased about, but he did that lots. He'd almost set fire to her house, twice, but she'd been pretty fine with that. Her favourite top had been shredded. At school. And she hadn't had another one. And she'd had an economcs lesson period 5 with 'Pervy Proctor', the business professor. But...nothing serious.

"Zack, I don't think it can be, to be honest. I mean, everything you've done, she's been fine with. Look, go after her."

"I can't leave the keg, though." Zack absentmindedly slapped a reaching hand away from the tap, and a girl leapt back, almost bearing her teeth at him.

Lisa grinned. "You know what, I think I could cover the keg for you. You go off and find Kelly, huh? I'll fend off the hordes."

Zack smiled sheepishly. "Would you? OH, that would be..." Then his face changed. "Hang on...what was the date yesterday?"

LIsa bit her lip. "Erm...the 19th?"

"It was the 20th, wasn't it? Your monthly mace delivery. Lisa, if you blind a kid for life, then Slater's dad will have to change his insurance. Don't use a whole can on one person!"

"Fine, I guess we all have to make sacrifices. But I swear, if one boy even looks at me funny, there'll be a totally different kind of sacrifice!"

Zack backed off into the crowd. "I'll be back soon, okay?"

Lisa smiled. "Don't rush back?" Then, uncapping her wrist mace, she sniffed it very gently. "Mmm, I love the smell of pain in the morning. Come on then, kids. If you think you're hard enough."

----------------

**OMG, I'm SOOOOOO sorry! I've been distracted, AS levels and that, along with trips, b/f's and stress which has all ended up meaning this update has come VERY late. I'll try and get the next one up quicker, kay? XXXYimon**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do now OWN all the cast members of Saved By The Bell! I bought them off of eBay, and I should be receiving a certificate of possession in...hang on...two weeks...ago? Oh...I don't own any of the places, people or events mentioned...sob

P.S. That reminds me - Last chapter, there was an in there. I put it in there to say that, the reason I said that, was 'I'm a boy. If girls are angry, this is what my genes tell me to put it down to'. Very sorry. My friends are trying to beat that last bit of masculinity out of me.

---------------------------------------------------

At almost exactly the same time Zack was musing in the kitchen, Slater was standing in the backyard in the shadow of a tree, watching Nick and a couple of his friends sitting on the steps of the summer house. He wasn't being his usual vigilant self, but he could still hear the pants, groans and muttered instructions of the couple, or possibly threesome, in the bushes behind him. Trying to block it out, Slater squared his shoulders, and stared harder at Nick.

Even with the back-lighting from the summer house wall light, Nick still looked great. His hair was great, and his teeth were great, and his smile was great, and his eyes were great, and...well, generally everything, y'know, facial was...great. Slater grinned stupidly, glad that it was dark enough for no-one to see him. Especially not Nick. Who was, right now, leaning back laughing, his T-shirt stretching up to reveal a toned, slim waist, well tanned, and a glimpse of Calvin.

Slater was suddenly glad of the darkness for another reason too, as he tried to rearrange himself to hide the bulge in his jeans. Shifting it about, he paused for a moment, before slyly rubbing it through the denim. Something about the whole situation, the whole hiding in the dark pleasing himself while watching some unsuspecting boy, really freaked Slater out, and he knew it was wrong.

Still, he didn't stop. He just kept on going, gazing at Nick, imagining undoing his combat pants, pushing them down as he kissed the other boy, and feeling him respond, running his hands over Nick's ass, pulling him closer to him, the other boy grinding his hips against his, feeling a wave of pleasure rushing downwards, not being able to hold on for any longer, only a couple...more..-

-"BREAK IT UP RIGHT NOW!"

Slater jerked in shock, and grazed his elbow against the tree. Gasping in pain, he pulled his arm back into him. Punching himself in the crotch while doing so. He curled up in agony. And smacked his head on a low branch while going down.

Jessie pulled a girl off a girl, and then threw a guy into a rose bush, pants still around his knees. Looking around, she spotted another boy hunched over by a tree. "You dirty little..."

"Jessie, it's me, it's Slater, it's me!"

Jessie let go of the handful of collar she'd grabbed. "Oh my God, I'm sorry! What are you doing out here?"

Slater froze. "Erm...well, I was just going to...sort those kids out too...but then you shocked me, and I bashed my elbow, and hit my head, and...well, y'know, injured myself. Generally."

Jessie narrowed her eyes at him, then unfocused and looked past him, past the tree. "Ohhhhh...I see." She smiled at Slater, looking sidelong at him. "So, when are you going to introduce us to gorgeous over there? You know, if he's not a fudgey, I'll be perfectly happy to take him off your hands."

Slater gently punched Jessie on the arm. "I don't think so, darlin'. If I can't have him, no-one can."

"Well. Thank you, Godfather. I'll be sure to check my bed for horses heads in future."

"Awwww, Jessie. Just so long as it's not his bed you're checking."

Jessie and Slater smiled at each other, before Slater looked back over his shoulder at Nick and sighed. "He's so gorgeous...Jessie, go get him for me." He looked back at Jessie with a pleading puppy-dog look on his face, and Jessie wanted to kiss him.

"Oh, Slater. You've no idea how cute you look when you do that. But no." She held up her hand as Slater redoubled his efforts to pout sweetly enough at her. "And no more pouting! Or else I'll bite those lips off! It's up to you. I mean, how sexy is it for the ex-girlfriend of a closet gay to come tell you that you're hot? He'd jump up and run off in a second. And you did throw this party entirely for him, too...yikes, I honestly think you should chill on the crazy, Slates."

"I'm not crazy! I'm just...worryingly desperate!" Slater sighed, and slumped his shoulders. "I really need to get laid."

Jessie threw her hands up in despair. "Oh, boys! One thing on your minds! I'm going back inside. I need to find Lisa."

"Shouldn't be too hard. Follow the smell of aerosol and the trail of bodies."

Jessie grimaced. "Don't make jokes about that. She was out here a while ago, and according to Screech she's pretty trigger happy this evening. Don't jump out at her, if you do see her. Even if we aren't going out, I still don't want those lovely eyes being just decoration."

"Yeah, I'll make sure to hold out both hands if I see her, and not to make any sudden movements. If you see her again, maybe mention not hitting the backyard again. I don't wanna get caught and..." Slater looked over at Nick. "Well, let's just say him writhing in pain is not going to turn me on, ya know?"

Jessie laughed. "Yeah, sure. Happy hunting!"

As Slater watched Jessie walk towards the house, he felt momentarily guilty. For a minute there, the guy he'd used to pretend to be, the chauvinist tough stud, had come out again. The crack he'd made about getting laid was so familiar, so natural, that for a moment, Slater had considered going back to it. He could tell Jessie and Zack it had been a joke, or madness, or a curiosity that had been quickly finished with. Even if they didn't believe him, he'd go back to girls, and live a happy, long, _normal_ life.

Then he turned and looked at Nick, and decided normal wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

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"Hi! Are you AC Slater?" Nick looked up at the guy who'd just walked up to them, and smiled up at him, while Gemma waited for an answer to her question.

The guy shifted about. "Uuuuuuh…yeah. I am. This is my house."

Gemma lifted her eyebrows. "Well…cool. Great party. Although there's some chick going round macing people. Is that like, a party trick or something?"

Slater only heard half of what she was saying, because Nick had smiled again, and he'd been thinking of the house they'd live in one day. "Huh? Uh, yeah, sorry. That's Lisa. She's a friend of mine."

Andy sat up then. "Wait, that crazy girl with the itchy fingers is your friend? Does she have a vendetta against anyone wearing flannel, or is she just certifiable?"

"Andy! Don't be so rude! Slater, I'm sure she's very nice when you get to know her." Gemma shrugged. "Ignore Andy, he's just bitter today."

Slater chuckled, forgetting his nerves for a moment. "Naw, don't worry about it. She doesn't present the best image sometimes, specially not tonight. And actually, Andy, the flannel vendetta is just one of many. Those people should just think themselves lucky they hadn't decided to wear polyester. Or worse, lycra."

The other three looked up at Slater for a moment, before they cracked up. "Oh my god, I hope she's caught R-J. Even blind people look disgusted at that shell suit he wears, and he still doesn't get how gross it is. He's got what's coming to him." Gemma doubled up again, as the other two laughed even harder.

Slater sat down, more relaxed now he seemed to have been accepted. "Anyway, I've seen you around sometime. You don't go to Bayside, though, do you?"

Nick looked up. "Naw, none of us do. I live near-by, real close, and we noticed there was a party here tonight, what with the flyers put up around my school. Weird thing was, I even got a flyer through my door. I mean, I didn't even know who you were, and it seemed like someone wanted me to come."

Slater smiled nervously. "I guess my friends just put flyers through random doors. Hey, maybe you know one of them?"

Nick shook his head, as he scratched one eyebrow. "Don't think so. I don't really know anyone at Bayside."

Slater smiled. He'd thought Nick wouldn't really know anyone he himself went to school with, but it was good to get some confirmation. If something did happen with Nick, and then Nick told someone, hopefully the number of people it would have to go through before it got back to Bayside would ensure the story would be completely unbelievable. Not that it already wouldn't be. A.C Slater, the wrestling champ, involved in some extra-curricular wrestling of a different sort? Anyone who told that story would be laughed off the school grounds, or worse, beaten to a pulp and kicked off.

Now he just had to figure out whether or not Nick was interested, which would be the tricky part. And Slater didn't think that asking 'So, do you like boys?' would be the right way to do that.

"Hey, does anyone want another drink?" Andy stood up and stretched. "I'm feeling the need to get pretty wasted, and I'm only a little of the way there."

Slater and Nick both nodded, and Gemma sighed. "You'll need a hand with those, Andy. I'll come with you."

Andy looked at her. "Gemma, I can carry four drinks, jeez! I'm not a total dumbass."

"Yeah, you can carry four drinks. But who's gonna help you get through to them and then bring them back? Have you seen the crush around the keg any time recently?"

Andy opened his mouth, hesitated, then shut it again. He looked at Nick and Slater. "I'm going for a walk. I may be some time."

Slater laughed. "I like Andy. He's funny."

Nick smiled at him. "I know what you mean. He's got a sense of humour that could kill. He's always the guy pulling pranks and making jokes. But he's a genius as well. He wins the school chess championship every year. Last year, he did it while reading The Lord Of The Rings, too."

Slater laughed. "What about Gemma? She seems really nice."

"Yeah, she is. Makes up for the fact that she's a bit ditzy. No, Gemma and Andy are almost totally different, but they've been best friends forever. Sometimes I still feel like the new guy."

"The new guy?" Slater frowned. "How do you mean?"

Nick shrugged. "Well, I've known them for years, just as long as they've known each other, but they've always had a deeper connection. Around them, I feel like a third wheel, and they're not even in a relationship or anything. Sometimes I wish I could find someone who'll be like that with me." He looked off into the distance for a second, then laughed. "Sorry. I've known you for what, five minutes? And already I'm pouring my heart out to you."

Slater blinked. He'd been getting lost in Nick's words. "No, don't worry about it. I'm like the new guy in the gang at my school, and I know what you mean, sort of." He hesitated, then looked away from Nick, trying to imitate his far-away look. "They have all this history, you know, and –"

Behind him, Nick suddenly swore.

Slater's head spun around so fast he felt vertebrae click. "What's up?"

Nick scrambled to his feet. "I'm not drinking beer tonight, and I bet you anything Andy won't remember. Hang on, I'll be right back."

As he raced off, Slater felt the anticlimax hit him like a brick wall. "Oh…okay."

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"1-2-3 HAH! I win again!"

Gemma crossed her arms and pouted. "I swear you're cheating at this game. No way can anyone win eight games in a row!"

"Gemma, I've told you this before. You can't cheat at Rock Paper Scissors. The only reason I keep beating you is because you keep doing rock, paper, then scissors. It's a pretty simple pattern." Andy sighed. "Look, shall we play Noughts and Crosses instead?"

"Nuh-uh! You cheat at that too!" Gemma crossed her arms. "You cheat at all the games we play! Else how else would I always lose?"

Andy dropped his head, and rubbed his eyes. "You lose because you suck at all of them, Gemma. All of them. When we played Risk, you put all your men on Madagascar because you said they 'needed a tan', when we played Monopoly, you spent all your money in the first round, then got too distracted to play, when we played chess, you insisted on having the queen as the most important piece, and then pushed her in front of my attack. I'm sorry Gemma, I love you, but I'm never ever playing games with you again."

Nick raced around the corner, then screeched to a halt as he spotted the two sitting on the floor, the pen and paper between them. "Ooooh, trying to play Noughts and Crosses again? I thought the last time was enough to stop you from trying again?"

"Well, it would have been, except for that we needed something to do while you move in on that guy."

Nick grinned. "I was worried you wouldn't remember the signal. The scratching the eyebrow thing works, so long as one of you is looking at me."

"Remember the signal? You use it almost every time we go out! I mean, we don't mind, anyone who's interested in you isn't really what either of us are looking for, but come on. What are we supposed to do?"

Nick spread his palms. "Anything! It's a party, guys! Go have fun. If I'm not back in fifteen minutes, then do whatever you want. I'll tell you how it went in the morning." He winked, and walked back around the corner to Slater.

Gemma looked at Andy, eyes wide. "'Do whatever we want'? But…we always hang out…"

"Come on Gemma, it's easy…we just need to find something else to do." Despite Andy's confident words, he was nervous. Whenever they all went out, Nick would usually just ask them to leave him and his target alone for a couple of minutes. That was usually enough to have the guy entranced for the rest of the night, until Nick either got bored, or went home with him. If Nick was going to spend all night with this guy, he must be very special…or very fragile.

"But what? Nick always decides. He's like, the leader." Gemma started to bite her lip. "Should we…go get a drink?"

Andy scratched his head. "Isn't that what Nick usually does at parties? Should we see if we can find some?"

Andy got up, and held a hand out to Gemma, who took it and pulled herself up. As he turned away, Gemma held onto his hand. Andy looked back at her, and she shrugged. "I…don't want to get lost, you know?"

Andy smiled, and squeezed her hand back. "I won't let you go, don't worry. We'll be fine."

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**I've been researching Saved By The Bell, and actually according to Wikipedia, there are so many continuity errors that you can play quiz games about them! So, from henceforth, any errors in the past/present/future are simply me sticking to the traditions of Saved By The Bell! Hurrah!**


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Give me a D! Give me an I! Give me an S! Give me a CLAIMER! What do you have? Not a lawsuit, that's fo'sho'! Whoooooo! I own none of the places mentioned, people involved, or scenarios alluded to, unless I made them up myself. In which case, Satan owns them. Yay!

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As Nick ran back up to Slater, he smiled to himself. If his plan went off without a hitch, it would be one of the best conquests he'd ever had. Right up there with when he'd seduced the guy who'd beaten him up in tenth grade for beng a fag, and the day he'd finally crossed the last of the school football team off his list.

AC Slater was a state legend. Even though he'd only been living in Florida for a few years, already he'd got a reputation scary enough to make his opponents quiver or, less often, burst into tears upon hearing they were fighting him. One of Nick's more serious boyfriends (one that had lasted more than a week) had been a wrestler, and he'd gone up against Slater once. Nick had dumped him after the fight, after the doctor had said the guy would have to be in plaster for up to six weeks. The bout had only lasted fifteen seconds as well, if that. If Nick could get Bayside's champion wrestler into bed...well, it had the potential to be one of the proudest moments of Nick's life.

That was why Nick had come along tonight. As soon as he'd read the flyer that had been pushed through his door, he'd been texting Andy while running to Gemma's house. He'd not gone to school that Friday, staying at home choosing his best outfit instead. He'd effectively scripted the night in his head, making educated guesses as to when they'd arrive, what Gemma and Andy would laugh at and how loudly, what he'd say to Slater and when they'd start making out. It was all planned out, right down to pretending not to know who the tall dark gorgeous boy who'd come up to them apologetically was.

He dropped down next to Slater, who jumped, shocked out of his own little moment. "Sorry. Managed to catch Andy before he'd started to go through the crowd. So...you were talking. Sorry I ran off." He gave him a smile.

Slater grinned back. "No worries, I was just talking about stuff. Nothing important."

"Cool. Oh, I'm Nick, by the way. Just suddenly figured we'd not been introduced."

"I know." About a millisecond after he'd said that, Slater realised it was stupid, impolite, wierd, creepy, and stupid. Nick raised an eyebrow at him, and he desperately tried to salvage the situation. "I think I heard one of your friends call you it?"

Nick furrowed his brow. He couldn't _remember _either Gemma or Andy calling him ' Nick' that night, but then again..."Oh, okay. Well, that's not a proper introduction." He held out a hand. "Hi there. I'm Nick!"

Smiling, Slater took his hand. "AC Slater. Nice to meet you."

Nick mentally crossed off stage one of his plan, and was just planning the next step when he suddenly felt agonising pain. "Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus H!"

Slater jumped up. "Omigodomigodomigod I'm sorry! Did I squeeze too hard?"

"Uh, yeah, KINDA! Were you trying to break every bone, or was that just a perk? I don't think I can feel my fingers..." Nick cradled his hand against his chest, trying to rub some feeling back into it.

"I'm sorry..." Slater looked down at him, and Nick would have sworn the boy was almost crying. He sighed.

"No, it's alright. I just wasn't expecting it." He managed a small smile. "Wish I'd remembered you were a wrestler. I was trying to remember where I'd heard the name before a second ago, you just reminded me."

Slater visibly relaxed, and sat back down. "Sometimes I don't remember that I'm not in the ring all the time. Like, a couple of years ago, we went to see my grandma for Thanksgiving, and I gave her a hug. She couldn't move the whole week we were there after that."

Nick laughed, and Slater looked at him. "What's funny?"

"You are! Was your grandma okay?" Slater nodded. "Then it's funny!"

Slater looked at Nick for a second, then grinned. "Yeah, it is, kinda. Speaking of okay though, is your hand gonna be alright?"

Nick looked down at it as though he'd forgotten it was even injured. "Oh, yeah, I bounce back pretty good. Although I don't think I'll be moving it for at least half an hour."

Slater stopped himself from saying 'Well, so long as you can move it later' just in time, and instead just said "Yeah...so anyway, if you're okay, tell me some stuff about you."

"Well, there's not THAT much to tell..." As Nick began a heavily edited version of his life, Slater sat back, and thought about how sexy Nick's voice was...

------------------------------------------------

Zack didn't know how it had happened, but for some reason word had spread that he had a bottle of JD on his person, and the hordes were getting closer. He knew there was no way he survive alone. Grabbing two relatively sober-looking folk, he dragged them along with him to the garage, where he locked the door and mentally prepared himself for the hardship that was to come; getting through the crowds to find Kelly. He shed a tear for his fallen comrades, before wrapping a red bandana around his head and steeling his nerves.

Behind him, Gemma leant over to Andy. "I'm scared, Andy. Like, not 'Cherry Falls' scared, or even like, 'Saw' scared, I'm talking 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' scared."

Andy stared at her. "I've never even SEEN half those films. Use similies I understand, Gem!"

"Simi-what-what?"

"Never mind." Andy rolled his eyes, and turned back to Zack, who had started looking for weapons in Slater's toolbox. "Erm, sorry to disturb you, Completely Normal Person, but...who ARE you?"

Zack squinted, trying to judge how much damage a sharpish screwdriver would do. "I am the Defender of the Beer Keg, Ally of Slater, Friend of She Of The Mace. I am..._Zack..._"

Andy opened his mouth, before looking back at Gemma. She widened her eyes, and mimed a chainsaw through the air. Andy gulped, and motioned towards the door. Before he could even begin to start creeping over, though, Zack turned around. "Okay, I'm calming down. You two are going to help me get THIS," as he pointed at the new barrel, "back through THEM. The fate of Mankind rests on our shoulders, men."

Gemma raised a hand, and Zack shrugged. "And women. Sexism is bad, and that. Now, choose your weapon!"

Gemma grabbed a wrench, and Zack nodded his approval. Suddenly, Andy snapped. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN'T THINK THIS ISN'T CRAZY?!? WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! ALL I WANTED WAS A BEER AND I ENDED UP BEING DRAGGED INTO A GARAGE WITH A POTENTIAL PSYCHOPATHIC KILLER AND NOW HE WANTS ME TO FIGHT?!? WHAT!!! THE!!! HELL!!!"

As he gasped for air, Zack leant towards him. "Erm...'doesn't think this isn't crazy' uses a double negative. I'm just saying."

Andy stared at him for a second in shock, before shaking his head and grabbing Gemma by the wrench. "Come on, Gemma, let's go. I'm creeped out."

"Awwww, but Andeeeee, it's starting to get 'Land Of The Dead' scary. I wanna find out what happens in the end!"

Before they could make it to the door, though, Zack blocked their way. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please. Hang on. I'll calm down. I do actually need some help. I'm trying to find my friend, and someone's started a rumour that I am the Bringer of Blessed Alcohol, which makes me the equivalent of a wounded gazelle in a nature documentary entitled 'Big Cats: Nature's Biggest And Most Violent Killers'. I'm just looking for some sane people to help me."

Andy folded his arms. "Oh, so NOW you make sense. Well, Mr Defender Of Slater And Mace, or whatever you called yourself, first we need a name that makes sense. One that can be given to the police without them laughing at us, should anything bad happen."

Zack smiled. "Oh, you're clever, aren't you? I think I like you. Okee-dokee then, I'm Zack. I go to Bayside, I am currently unattached and I'm on a mission to find a brown haired girl called Kelly. Now...who are you?"

"I'm Gemma, and this is Andy!" Gemma beamed, before catching sight of Andy's face. Her smile vanished. "What?"

"You gave him our real names?!? A minute ago you were saying you were 'Evil Dead' scared of him or something - "

"'Land Of The Dead'"

" - Whatever. You were scared, and now it's 'Happy Fun Time With Zack'?"

Zack and Gemma stared at him, before Gemma raised a hand. "Erm...there's no such film as 'Happy Fun - "

"I KNOW!!!"

"Well, look, if it matters that much..." Gemma turned back to Zack.

"Hi. I'm Superwoman, and this is Smedrick."

"Smedrick?" Zack looked over at Andy, who had by now curled into a foetal ball on the floor. "Are you two not friends?"

"Not when he's being like this, no. And besides, what's wrong with the name 'Smedrick'?"

"Look, he already knows our names, Gem. Let's just...help him, and get it over with." Andy stood up. "Now...what would tidy up a bunch of drunks pretty good? Hey, is anyone going to use this baseball bat?"

Zack grinned. "Knock yourself out."

"Thanks, but I'd rather knock THEM out, if it's all the same to you."

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Kelly opened the door of the General's study, and peered round it into the room. Screech was sat in front of the computer, disassembling the mouse.

"Hey Screech. Whatchadoin?"

"Oh, hiya Kelly. I'm on guard duty. I have to stop people from coming in here and and doing things that would make Jessie have to hurt them on the General's Persian rug. So I'm just building a plasma gun to blast them into a bazillion tiny radioactive particles."

Kelly squinted. "Erm...Screech?"

He looked up. "Oh, don't worry, I'll reassemble the mouse in the morning. And I'll make sure to calibrate the inter-crystum links so as not to harm anything but living organic material. And as for cleaning, well, a bazillion radioactive particles probably won't show up, but I'll vacuum it in the morning. Kay?"

"...So little of that made sense, and I'm still scared." Kelly moved into the room, and shut the door behind her. "Hey, Screech, could I see the CCTV for tonight? Like, as in what would be being recorded if you hadn't looped it?"

Screech glanced down at the desk. "Erm...well, it would be, had I not smashed the mouse up. Hang on, the General might have another one." He disappeared under the desk, and Kelly heard drawers opening. "Any particular reason why, or just plain old curiousity?"

Kelly shrugged, then realised Screech couldn't see her. "I'm just wondering what the gang are up to, and I'm tired of having to push my way through the crowd. It smells like booze. And I don't really like booze so much."

"As good a reason as any. Here we go. Thank Haysus for scary obsessive compulsive men and their need to have two mice...mouses...meeces...whatever." Screech fiddled around with cables for a second, before stepping back.

"There we go. Here, if you just open this here, you can watch all the footage as it's coming, before it's covered over by the loop. Ground floor cameras start with a '1', second floor with a '2' and so on. Outside, there are less cameras, so not _everywhere_ is covered, but there are a couple. Those are the ones that start with an '0'. Got it?"

"Press buttons, see people. Goody."

Screech stepped back. "Awesome. Well, see you in a bit, then!" He headed for the door.

"Wait, where are you going? Aren't you taking your...laser?"

"I'm just going to see if I can find a positronic brain in Slater's basement. Otherwise, I'll have to re-route the energy fields past one another with some kind of barrier that can stand up to high temperatures, and I don't really want to have to use too much adamantium in the construction. I mean, once it's been cast, there's no uncasting it, am I right?" Screech giggled to himself, before leaving the room still muttering 'uncast...what a laugh' under his breath.

Kelly suddenly understood why the physics professor cried when Screech was talking, before disregarding it, and scrolling through the screens, all of which were showing various amounts of drunk people. She spotted Jessie trying to make her way through the crowds from the backyard, Lisa macing people round the keg in the kitchen, Zack...moving towards the General's study. Uh-oh.

Kelly didn't want to be found. She wasn't sure what was going on but, whatever it was, Jessie, and that meant Zack too, was trying to keep her from finding out about it. She jumped up, and ran to the door. She opened it a crack, and spotted Zack about ten metres away, through the crush of people. Thinking quick, she leant out, and said loudly "Hey, isn't that blond guy the one who said he could do more shots of JD than anyone here?"

She slammed the door shut again, and dashed back to the computer. As she'd thought, the herd had...heard, and had moved towards him like the undead, forcing him to run. Another couple of minutes to herself, thank Goodness. Another couple of minutes to find out what she wanted from the CCTV. She had to work quickly.

As the keg ran dry, Lisa pouted. "Hmm…I'd better go get another one…but I might break a nail if I do. I could get some drunk boys to do it…but then they'd know where the beer is. Is there something else alcoholic that I could serve round here? I wonder if I could whip up some kind of punch…"

A boy tapped her on the shoulder. Very slowly, Lisa turned her head to give him the full force of her glare. His eyes widened, and he put his hands up. "I was just wondering if there was some beer left…?"

Lisa smiled sweetly. "Oh, a beer? Why, I'm sure I could find - "

Before she could finish her sentence, the boy suddenly gulped. "Oh, no, sorry to bother you, I'll be going over here. Far over here, bye!" And he disappeared into the crowd.

Lisa thumped the countertop in frustration. "Damn, he must have recognised me! But now he's getting away, after he TOUCHED me. Awwww…I have the WORST luck!"

She looked back at the empty barrel, and wished she didn't have to stay to keep an eye on…it…empty. Hang on.

Lisa looked back across the crowds of people in the room, and gave an evil smile as she tightened one hand around a fresh can. No-one tapped Lisa Turtle on the shoulder and lived for any longer than an hour without either asking her out on a date or experiencing deep emotionally scarring pain. And she was SO hoping he'd not want to ask her out.

**Oh my god. Is this gasp FINALLY AN UPDATE?!? Hayzeus! Maybe I might actually start another one this year! Oh, and by the way, I'm hopefully the only one who might be slightly bugged by this, but Jessie actually appears to be omnipotent in this chapter and the last two. If anyone asks, she's been using shortcuts she found while Slater's girlfriend. I dunno, windows 'n' shit. YimonXXX**


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